This is me as an attorney. This is me as a Stay at Home Mom. (SAHM)
This is my journal entry about the joys and the burdens of each.
A working mom's life isn't easy. Actually, in my opinion, nothing is more challenging than a working mom. Even me, I have never done it. I have always worked from HOME. So I would think a working mom is the toughest thing in the world. Except a stay at home mom. Actually, I am not sure any more. As a working mom, you deal the most with GUILT. You NEVER feel that you are good enough, in ANYTHING that you do. I think that movie Marley and Me had a pretty good monologue by Jennifer Aniston that says it all, "You're never good enough. You can't be in both places. When you're at work, you're thinking about your children. When you're home with your children, you're thinking about work". Basically, you suck at BOTH!!! And you are TIRED as heck and when you come home from a WHOLE day of battling it out in court, and you are exhausted, your children are NOT getting the BEST of you. They are getting YOU without rest, without peace...it's not the way to go. Whereas a SAHM can hand off the kids and go take a BREAK from them. A working mom NEVER gets a break. It's insane. On the other hand, as a working mom, you don't have to change diapers as much, or do housework, or deal with pooping and peeing and napping and kids who don't nap, and all the MUNDANE tasks of being a mother at home. I hate mundane task. No, as a working mom, you have something else besides your children that gives you confidence. You are well-respected. I am telling you, I made SuperLawyers for the 6th time this year...and man, that made me feel good. When I take the bench as Judge Pro Tem, and people address me as Your Honor, and I use every bit of patience and detail to reach the BEST decision ever, THAT makes me feel good. When I can pay for stuff, and not live on a budget, THAT feels good. When you can provide your children with everything they need, and not think about money, THAT feels good. So the PRO? You have a life outside of your kids. the CON? You have a life outside of your kids, and it gives you GUILT.
Now, I have always pretty much stayed home since Adia was born. Even though I pay rent for 4 offices, I also have a separate home office (which I BUILT so I can be at home when Adia was born). However, I was still pretty much WORKING...which means, I would be at the separate guesthouse with the monitor, and our au pair or nanny would be inside the main house with the children. So...I have never missed a milestone, or a doctor's appointment, and never spent more than 6 hours away from Adia her whole first year. BUT, I still worked, and it sucked having SO much to focus on outside of just being a mom.
Now, Stay at Home Mom. Ok. So I have full-time help now. Both in the office, and at home. At home, I have an incredible au pair named Huili who does EVERYTHING for me. She cooks every meal, she cleans like there is no tomorrow, and she plays with Adia. So, the time I get to spend with Adia, I am teaching her Piano, Reading to her, etc. Adia NEVER has to just stand aside and play by herself while I do chores, which is the plight of most SAHM's. HOWEVER, I am a full on mom to baby Raya. I guess I don't have a COMPLETE understanding of a SAHM because I have help. But I will try to articulate my thoughts anyway. I think being a SAHM is wonderful in SO many ways - your children are there, you are very much needed - you can focus on ONE thing, being a good mom. AND, you can take breaks! Because children nap!!! It's actually pretty awesome and easy. However, when they are awake and they both need you, it can extremely chaotic. (Like when Adia is screaming, "I'm done! on the toilet", and you are nursing Raya, and then the UPS man knocks on the door. So you unleash your boob, pull up your shirt, and tell Adia to wait, and then there are TWO kids screaming while you sign for your new computer and the UPS man can't wait to get the hell out of the chaos in your home). There are moments of complete silence. Then there are complete chaotic moments. It's unpredictable and exhausting. But it sure is funny. The BAD thing? It is REALLY, really boring. I mean, it's not really that boring to you when you are cleaning poo, and changing spit-up covered clothes, and folding laundry and surfing the net for recipes to make dinner, etc. but to others, you are really just one-dimensional and really, no one ever wants to hear you talk about how many times Raya pooed today. And then, you start waiting for your husband to come home - not because you want a break, but because you want ADULT conversation.
Seriously, it's happening to me! I have become a really boring person. It's SO hard. And I am SO black and white. Like, I really don't believe that it's ok to do ANYTHING outside of the home for personal reasons, except WORK. So, I never understood those moms who could take "girls' trips", or go "shopping" for the day, or take a day away. Well, first of all, I am nursing so I can't be away from baby more than 2 hours...but, even after I don't nurse anymore, I always feel SO much guilt when I am away from my children that I can't even enjoy myself - I guess I am what they call a "martyr mother". Or maybe even a "smother". I don't know. I just am always worried something bad will happen when I am not there. This upcoming weekend, my Adia is going skiing with Daddy without me. This is the FIRST time Adia has not been with me. We have always taken her on trips - to London, to Paris, to Vegas, everywhere - every trip, with Adia. I am just a little bit worried....But I also know that I have Raya to care for now...and there will be times that I have to split myself to pay attention to both.
As a sidenote...this is what happens when you have more and more children. Though you LOVE them all - who doesn't? The time and attention you have to give decreases, exponentially with each one. My friend aptly put it, "With my first, I breastfed 12 months. second, 9 months. third, 6 months. I hope this doesn't happen with all the other things in life!"
You just don't have that much to give!! And as someone who is a perfectionist, and Type AAAAAA, I just don't know how I can do it, except just give up working entirely. Which I don't think I am selfish enough (or rich enough) to do. So sigh.
For 2012, my DRAGON year, I will try to give up working entirely. Obviously, I have a law firm to run, so I have to do the financial end of things. AND, I have 1 or 2 clients who I simply cannot drop, so I have to tend to those cases. But as MUCH as I can, I am going to be a SAHM mom to 2 beautiful girls.
Having seen both sides, I think I would rather be a Stay At Home Working Mom. I could be a Stay at Home mom too, but I don't think I would be too happy. And no way in heck would I ever be able to be a Working Mom that works out of the house. I just could never do it.
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