The Myth of Perfect Parenting

There's been a lot of media hype about this one woman who calls herself a "Tiger Mom", who, self-proclaimed she raised two perfect children due to her "tiger parenting".

Now, as a Type AAAAA person, I naturally read all about her, and her books...then decided this type of parenting is not really the type of parenting I can do.

Contrary to popular belief, my brother (a doctor) and I (a lawyer) were NOT products of Tiger Parenting. My parents were always around, and very attentive to our homework help needs. And my mom shipped me around to Chinese school, and piano lessons every weekend...BUT, there were no threats of taking away material possession, of being "grounded" if I didn't practice 2 hours a day. (Actually, I wasn't given very many material possessions. And the piano they gave me was VERY much cherished by me, not viewed as an instrument of torture). I did not go to the BEST schools in the nation.

Don't get me wrong; my parents were EXTREMELY strict. Until I was 22 (and a LAW SCHOOL graduate), I had a nightly curfew of "before the sunset". I was NOT allowed to have "sleepovers", or go to school dances, or wear makeup or shave my legs. Though I was raised in America, I was still "Made in Taiwan", and raised by TAIWANESE parents.

In my humble opinion, the main problem with "tiger parenting" is that the whole concept ignores God. "Tiger parenting" seems to come from a position of STRENGTH in parenting...and the Bible clearly instructs that where there is, and ONLY where there is weakness, can God do His glory and work on us. This is especially true with parenting.

My parents were and are extremely humbled. They had flaws. However, they never took any credit about our achievements. In fact, growing up, I always wondered "Are mom and dad proud of me?" There were NO Christmas cards sent saying, "Dear blah blah, Kelly is Superlawyer now, 7 years in a row, at age 35. She also is a Judge on the bench, and perfect mom to 2 daughters. Eric is a SuperDoctor, lecturing in Chicago and published in super duper expert books".

Quite the opposite, actually.

They tried ever so hard to humble us, and ignore our achievements. They never claimed it as a result of their parenting.

And today, as a mother, I must say - I am against "tiger parenting". Sure, I will enroll Adia in piano and I will continue to sing and play piano every day to my daughters. I will also continue to hire au pairs from China so there is Chinese present in our lives every day. And of course, I will feel proud of their achievements and sometimes take credit for it.

But I also know that outside of love, and giving them a safe, secure stable home with a humble yet strong mother - that I can do to really impact how they turn out.

I am the instrument, but God is the player. So I guess I have to be an instrument that can be molded.

It's really great that I am home with little Raya every day. I am watching her sleep right now - perfect little angel...and I am simply overwhelmed by how fast this whole parenting thing is going. Adia is 3.5 years old! And Raya is 2.5 months old. I just can't believe they will be going to school soon.

I started teaching Adia the solfege system when she was 18 months old. Recently at around 3 years old, I started her on piano lessons using the number system. I will say, 1-1-5-5-6-6-5 ... and she will play Do Do So So La La So -- and so on and so forth, and it's Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! She has been in music lessons since she was 9 months old. And she bears this incredible love of music - especially classical. I am really incredibly proud of her, and I am grateful for God's blessings that I can teach this to her...

But I also know, in a few years, when there is school and many other distractions, it may be a bit challenging to get her to practice piano. I am not sure if I will force her to keep at it. My parents never forced it on me. Rather, I had this penchant for it, and my love and talent for piano was there - so I just chose to keep at it. Hopefully, Adia and Raya will be this way too.

Parenting is quite difficult, I must say. There is a difference between birthing children and parenting children. Frankly, pregnancy and labor and delivery were a piece of cake for me. Both times, I worked up until the day I gave birth. Pushing them out was MUCH easier than running a marathon, or even running a mile. But the parenting...

Parenting is the tough part. When Adia has these incredible meltdowns and says insensitive things, I feel like a failure. I start wondering if I should spank her? Give her less things?

She challenges me SO much. Then one time, I just didn't do anything. I just started to tear up. And she looked at me with curiosity and concern...and then I prayed.

Little Adia is so precious. She prays every night with Daddy. Sometimes her prayers are so darling and cute. Instead of praying for the children who don't have food, she prays like this, "I thank God for all the children who don't have food. Please bless them." Though she doesn't mean to, her prayers always add a layer of innocence, and enables me to see the world clearer.

I struggle a LOT with pride. If there is one thing that God can take away from me, it's this excessive pride. And I hope it's gone, or at least a CHUNK of it is gone, before both of them reach their teenage years. :)

About Sleep

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part V

About Sleep

This entry is about what I wished for when I blew out my 36 candles this past birthday: SLEEP.

I know we've all heard about parents and lack of sleep. But, seriously, until you are a parent to a newborn, you don't know how bad it really is.

I've read Baby Whisperer. Babywise. Happiest Baby on the Block. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. ANY book you can name about babies and sleep - it's on my shelf, and engrained in my sleep-deprived brain.

I also have every Lullaby/Sleep CD out there, from Swahili to Japanese - they are ALL on my ITunes Library. (ok, maybe not ALL, but I have at least 44).

They all got some mighty good points. And sometimes, following the tips actually work. For example, Adia was sleep-trained by Dr. Weissbluth's book, "Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child"

But honestly, the best sleep book out there is Go the F$#k to Sleep. Because let me tell you something, baby sleep isn't a friggin' science!!! It just happens when it happens. And it won't happen in the first 6 months. I guess sometimes you get lucky. We did with Adia. Adia was sleeping 8 pm - 8 am (without wake) at 12 weeks. She hit a 4-mo sleep regression and started waking again, but pretty soon, by 5 months, she was sleeping through the night...it was wonderful, and blissful.

Just when I thought I got it down, here comes Raya. In SOOO many ways, Raya is so much easier. (BTW, the HARDEST transition is going from 0 to 1 child. The NEXT hardest is 1 to 2 children. After 2 children, the rest is a piece of cake - yes, that's right, suck it, Duggars with your 20 kids, Scott and I have it just as rough as you). Anyway, Raya is a piece of cake. She NEVER cries. Why? Because as a second-time mom, I know her every need, BEFORE she even thinks it. So, she never has to cry.

She is easier than my first child in EVERY way, except for sleep.

I just don't get it! Last night, Raya woke every 2o minutes, wanting to suck on her human binky. EVERY 20 minutes! I finally slept with my boob in her mouth. (Major kink in neck).

She just won't sleep!! We have tried everything! Even the Swing! Sometimes, she will sleep in it. OTher times she won't. We have the rocker, the glider, the BabySitter - we literally have every sleep-related device known to man.

I've put Raya down LATER (11 pm), and EARLIER (7 pm), but inevitably, she will wake every 2 hours.

??!?!?! Why?!?!?

Because, parents, she is a baby. So for those of you who have wonderful sleepers that go through the night - YAY! for you! Enjoy it.

We had a wonderful little A+ Sleeper - ms. Adia.

And this time, it ain't so easy.

It's a good thing I am taking a year off work.

Without sleep, brain cells die. Lookie here at Wiki - it says, "sleep deprivation causes the brain to become incapable of putting an emotional event into the proper perspective and incapable of making a controlled, suitable response to the event."

And, "Sleep deprivation may have been the underlying cause of the overdose deaths of celebrities Heath Ledger, and Anna Nicole Smith.^[23]"

This is why I am not practicing law this year.

First, for some reason, my second baby does not let me sleep. So, my brain isn't functioning.

So, in court, when someone presents a brilliant argument (for which normally I have a brilliant response),my brain is "incapable of making a controlled, suitable response to the event."

I have terrible guilt for not practicing law this year. It's almost as bad as the guilt I felt when I didn't time off to stay inside the house every day with Adia. (Remember, I WAS home, I was just out in the guesthouse, as a Stay at Home Working Mom).

I feel like I am letting my clients down.

But, if I go into Court, and I am at a loss for words (which is very rare, but is happening these days, because the most I can muster to an argument after 11 weeks of consecutive non-sleep is "Oh yeah? Well, you are too!"), I just cannot be the voice for the people.

I also cannot remember cases and statutes as clearly as I did before when my brain cells were properly rested and regenerated with sleep.

I know that something happened recently about Prop 8, but when I read the decision, the words blur together and I am thinking about what other binkys I can try to get Raya to take (after buying and throwing away 6 different brands already).

That is why I am not practicing law.

And I am blogging about it because I feel really, really guilty.

I will say, though - in case prospective clients are reading this - Over the past 3 years, I have helped train a brilliant associate (i say HELP because she was already naturally brilliant, and very easy to teach)...her name is Veronica. Veronica is handling ALL my cases now, with arduous fervor, and brilliancy (I know I keep using the same adjective; my sleep-deprived brain can't think of anything else but AWESOME to describe her).

So...my firm isn't shut down. It's just that me, Kelly, isn't going to be practicing law.

I am still running a firm. I had to fire a client yesterday.

I actually made a call while holding Raya so her cries could be an excuse for me to get off the phone.

Instead, my talking in my "attorney voice" put her to sleep!!!

Go figure.

I don't get babies and sleep.

Working Moms v. Stay at Home Working Moms v. Stay at Home Moms

This is me as an attorney. This is me as a Stay at Home Mom. (SAHM)

This is my journal entry about the joys and the burdens of each.

A working mom's life isn't easy. Actually, in my opinion, nothing is more challenging than a working mom. Even me, I have never done it. I have always worked from HOME. So I would think a working mom is the toughest thing in the world. Except a stay at home mom. Actually, I am not sure any more. As a working mom, you deal the most with GUILT. You NEVER feel that you are good enough, in ANYTHING that you do. I think that movie Marley and Me had a pretty good monologue by Jennifer Aniston that says it all, "You're never good enough. You can't be in both places. When you're at work, you're thinking about your children. When you're home with your children, you're thinking about work". Basically, you suck at BOTH!!! And you are TIRED as heck and when you come home from a WHOLE day of battling it out in court, and you are exhausted, your children are NOT getting the BEST of you. They are getting YOU without rest, without peace...it's not the way to go. Whereas a SAHM can hand off the kids and go take a BREAK from them. A working mom NEVER gets a break. It's insane. On the other hand, as a working mom, you don't have to change diapers as much, or do housework, or deal with pooping and peeing and napping and kids who don't nap, and all the MUNDANE tasks of being a mother at home. I hate mundane task. No, as a working mom, you have something else besides your children that gives you confidence. You are well-respected. I am telling you, I made SuperLawyers for the 6th time this year...and man, that made me feel good. When I take the bench as Judge Pro Tem, and people address me as Your Honor, and I use every bit of patience and detail to reach the BEST decision ever, THAT makes me feel good. When I can pay for stuff, and not live on a budget, THAT feels good. When you can provide your children with everything they need, and not think about money, THAT feels good. So the PRO? You have a life outside of your kids. the CON? You have a life outside of your kids, and it gives you GUILT.

Now, I have always pretty much stayed home since Adia was born. Even though I pay rent for 4 offices, I also have a separate home office (which I BUILT so I can be at home when Adia was born). However, I was still pretty much WORKING...which means, I would be at the separate guesthouse with the monitor, and our au pair or nanny would be inside the main house with the children. So...I have never missed a milestone, or a doctor's appointment, and never spent more than 6 hours away from Adia her whole first year. BUT, I still worked, and it sucked having SO much to focus on outside of just being a mom.

Now, Stay at Home Mom. Ok. So I have full-time help now. Both in the office, and at home. At home, I have an incredible au pair named Huili who does EVERYTHING for me. She cooks every meal, she cleans like there is no tomorrow, and she plays with Adia. So, the time I get to spend with Adia, I am teaching her Piano, Reading to her, etc. Adia NEVER has to just stand aside and play by herself while I do chores, which is the plight of most SAHM's. HOWEVER, I am a full on mom to baby Raya. I guess I don't have a COMPLETE understanding of a SAHM because I have help. But I will try to articulate my thoughts anyway. I think being a SAHM is wonderful in SO many ways - your children are there, you are very much needed - you can focus on ONE thing, being a good mom. AND, you can take breaks! Because children nap!!! It's actually pretty awesome and easy. However, when they are awake and they both need you, it can extremely chaotic. (Like when Adia is screaming, "I'm done! on the toilet", and you are nursing Raya, and then the UPS man knocks on the door. So you unleash your boob, pull up your shirt, and tell Adia to wait, and then there are TWO kids screaming while you sign for your new computer and the UPS man can't wait to get the hell out of the chaos in your home). There are moments of complete silence. Then there are complete chaotic moments. It's unpredictable and exhausting. But it sure is funny. The BAD thing? It is REALLY, really boring. I mean, it's not really that boring to you when you are cleaning poo, and changing spit-up covered clothes, and folding laundry and surfing the net for recipes to make dinner, etc. but to others, you are really just one-dimensional and really, no one ever wants to hear you talk about how many times Raya pooed today. And then, you start waiting for your husband to come home - not because you want a break, but because you want ADULT conversation.

Seriously, it's happening to me! I have become a really boring person. It's SO hard. And I am SO black and white. Like, I really don't believe that it's ok to do ANYTHING outside of the home for personal reasons, except WORK. So, I never understood those moms who could take "girls' trips", or go "shopping" for the day, or take a day away. Well, first of all, I am nursing so I can't be away from baby more than 2 hours...but, even after I don't nurse anymore, I always feel SO much guilt when I am away from my children that I can't even enjoy myself - I guess I am what they call a "martyr mother". Or maybe even a "smother". I don't know. I just am always worried something bad will happen when I am not there. This upcoming weekend, my Adia is going skiing with Daddy without me. This is the FIRST time Adia has not been with me. We have always taken her on trips - to London, to Paris, to Vegas, everywhere - every trip, with Adia. I am just a little bit worried....But I also know that I have Raya to care for now...and there will be times that I have to split myself to pay attention to both.

As a sidenote...this is what happens when you have more and more children. Though you LOVE them all - who doesn't? The time and attention you have to give decreases, exponentially with each one. My friend aptly put it, "With my first, I breastfed 12 months. second, 9 months. third, 6 months. I hope this doesn't happen with all the other things in life!"

You just don't have that much to give!! And as someone who is a perfectionist, and Type AAAAAA, I just don't know how I can do it, except just give up working entirely. Which I don't think I am selfish enough (or rich enough) to do. So sigh.

For 2012, my DRAGON year, I will try to give up working entirely. Obviously, I have a law firm to run, so I have to do the financial end of things. AND, I have 1 or 2 clients who I simply cannot drop, so I have to tend to those cases. But as MUCH as I can, I am going to be a SAHM mom to 2 beautiful girls.

Having seen both sides, I think I would rather be a Stay At Home Working Mom. I could be a Stay at Home mom too, but I don't think I would be too happy. And no way in heck would I ever be able to be a Working Mom that works out of the house. I just could never do it.