The Myth of Perfect Parenting

There's been a lot of media hype about this one woman who calls herself a "Tiger Mom", who, self-proclaimed she raised two perfect children due to her "tiger parenting".

Now, as a Type AAAAA person, I naturally read all about her, and her books...then decided this type of parenting is not really the type of parenting I can do.

Contrary to popular belief, my brother (a doctor) and I (a lawyer) were NOT products of Tiger Parenting. My parents were always around, and very attentive to our homework help needs. And my mom shipped me around to Chinese school, and piano lessons every weekend...BUT, there were no threats of taking away material possession, of being "grounded" if I didn't practice 2 hours a day. (Actually, I wasn't given very many material possessions. And the piano they gave me was VERY much cherished by me, not viewed as an instrument of torture). I did not go to the BEST schools in the nation.

Don't get me wrong; my parents were EXTREMELY strict. Until I was 22 (and a LAW SCHOOL graduate), I had a nightly curfew of "before the sunset". I was NOT allowed to have "sleepovers", or go to school dances, or wear makeup or shave my legs. Though I was raised in America, I was still "Made in Taiwan", and raised by TAIWANESE parents.

In my humble opinion, the main problem with "tiger parenting" is that the whole concept ignores God. "Tiger parenting" seems to come from a position of STRENGTH in parenting...and the Bible clearly instructs that where there is, and ONLY where there is weakness, can God do His glory and work on us. This is especially true with parenting.

My parents were and are extremely humbled. They had flaws. However, they never took any credit about our achievements. In fact, growing up, I always wondered "Are mom and dad proud of me?" There were NO Christmas cards sent saying, "Dear blah blah, Kelly is Superlawyer now, 7 years in a row, at age 35. She also is a Judge on the bench, and perfect mom to 2 daughters. Eric is a SuperDoctor, lecturing in Chicago and published in super duper expert books".

Quite the opposite, actually.

They tried ever so hard to humble us, and ignore our achievements. They never claimed it as a result of their parenting.

And today, as a mother, I must say - I am against "tiger parenting". Sure, I will enroll Adia in piano and I will continue to sing and play piano every day to my daughters. I will also continue to hire au pairs from China so there is Chinese present in our lives every day. And of course, I will feel proud of their achievements and sometimes take credit for it.

But I also know that outside of love, and giving them a safe, secure stable home with a humble yet strong mother - that I can do to really impact how they turn out.

I am the instrument, but God is the player. So I guess I have to be an instrument that can be molded.

It's really great that I am home with little Raya every day. I am watching her sleep right now - perfect little angel...and I am simply overwhelmed by how fast this whole parenting thing is going. Adia is 3.5 years old! And Raya is 2.5 months old. I just can't believe they will be going to school soon.

I started teaching Adia the solfege system when she was 18 months old. Recently at around 3 years old, I started her on piano lessons using the number system. I will say, 1-1-5-5-6-6-5 ... and she will play Do Do So So La La So -- and so on and so forth, and it's Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! She has been in music lessons since she was 9 months old. And she bears this incredible love of music - especially classical. I am really incredibly proud of her, and I am grateful for God's blessings that I can teach this to her...

But I also know, in a few years, when there is school and many other distractions, it may be a bit challenging to get her to practice piano. I am not sure if I will force her to keep at it. My parents never forced it on me. Rather, I had this penchant for it, and my love and talent for piano was there - so I just chose to keep at it. Hopefully, Adia and Raya will be this way too.

Parenting is quite difficult, I must say. There is a difference between birthing children and parenting children. Frankly, pregnancy and labor and delivery were a piece of cake for me. Both times, I worked up until the day I gave birth. Pushing them out was MUCH easier than running a marathon, or even running a mile. But the parenting...

Parenting is the tough part. When Adia has these incredible meltdowns and says insensitive things, I feel like a failure. I start wondering if I should spank her? Give her less things?

She challenges me SO much. Then one time, I just didn't do anything. I just started to tear up. And she looked at me with curiosity and concern...and then I prayed.

Little Adia is so precious. She prays every night with Daddy. Sometimes her prayers are so darling and cute. Instead of praying for the children who don't have food, she prays like this, "I thank God for all the children who don't have food. Please bless them." Though she doesn't mean to, her prayers always add a layer of innocence, and enables me to see the world clearer.

I struggle a LOT with pride. If there is one thing that God can take away from me, it's this excessive pride. And I hope it's gone, or at least a CHUNK of it is gone, before both of them reach their teenage years. :)

About Sleep

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part V

About Sleep

This entry is about what I wished for when I blew out my 36 candles this past birthday: SLEEP.

I know we've all heard about parents and lack of sleep. But, seriously, until you are a parent to a newborn, you don't know how bad it really is.

I've read Baby Whisperer. Babywise. Happiest Baby on the Block. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. ANY book you can name about babies and sleep - it's on my shelf, and engrained in my sleep-deprived brain.

I also have every Lullaby/Sleep CD out there, from Swahili to Japanese - they are ALL on my ITunes Library. (ok, maybe not ALL, but I have at least 44).

They all got some mighty good points. And sometimes, following the tips actually work. For example, Adia was sleep-trained by Dr. Weissbluth's book, "Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child"

But honestly, the best sleep book out there is Go the F$#k to Sleep. Because let me tell you something, baby sleep isn't a friggin' science!!! It just happens when it happens. And it won't happen in the first 6 months. I guess sometimes you get lucky. We did with Adia. Adia was sleeping 8 pm - 8 am (without wake) at 12 weeks. She hit a 4-mo sleep regression and started waking again, but pretty soon, by 5 months, she was sleeping through the night...it was wonderful, and blissful.

Just when I thought I got it down, here comes Raya. In SOOO many ways, Raya is so much easier. (BTW, the HARDEST transition is going from 0 to 1 child. The NEXT hardest is 1 to 2 children. After 2 children, the rest is a piece of cake - yes, that's right, suck it, Duggars with your 20 kids, Scott and I have it just as rough as you). Anyway, Raya is a piece of cake. She NEVER cries. Why? Because as a second-time mom, I know her every need, BEFORE she even thinks it. So, she never has to cry.

She is easier than my first child in EVERY way, except for sleep.

I just don't get it! Last night, Raya woke every 2o minutes, wanting to suck on her human binky. EVERY 20 minutes! I finally slept with my boob in her mouth. (Major kink in neck).

She just won't sleep!! We have tried everything! Even the Swing! Sometimes, she will sleep in it. OTher times she won't. We have the rocker, the glider, the BabySitter - we literally have every sleep-related device known to man.

I've put Raya down LATER (11 pm), and EARLIER (7 pm), but inevitably, she will wake every 2 hours.

??!?!?! Why?!?!?

Because, parents, she is a baby. So for those of you who have wonderful sleepers that go through the night - YAY! for you! Enjoy it.

We had a wonderful little A+ Sleeper - ms. Adia.

And this time, it ain't so easy.

It's a good thing I am taking a year off work.

Without sleep, brain cells die. Lookie here at Wiki - it says, "sleep deprivation causes the brain to become incapable of putting an emotional event into the proper perspective and incapable of making a controlled, suitable response to the event."

And, "Sleep deprivation may have been the underlying cause of the overdose deaths of celebrities Heath Ledger, and Anna Nicole Smith.^[23]"

This is why I am not practicing law this year.

First, for some reason, my second baby does not let me sleep. So, my brain isn't functioning.

So, in court, when someone presents a brilliant argument (for which normally I have a brilliant response),my brain is "incapable of making a controlled, suitable response to the event."

I have terrible guilt for not practicing law this year. It's almost as bad as the guilt I felt when I didn't time off to stay inside the house every day with Adia. (Remember, I WAS home, I was just out in the guesthouse, as a Stay at Home Working Mom).

I feel like I am letting my clients down.

But, if I go into Court, and I am at a loss for words (which is very rare, but is happening these days, because the most I can muster to an argument after 11 weeks of consecutive non-sleep is "Oh yeah? Well, you are too!"), I just cannot be the voice for the people.

I also cannot remember cases and statutes as clearly as I did before when my brain cells were properly rested and regenerated with sleep.

I know that something happened recently about Prop 8, but when I read the decision, the words blur together and I am thinking about what other binkys I can try to get Raya to take (after buying and throwing away 6 different brands already).

That is why I am not practicing law.

And I am blogging about it because I feel really, really guilty.

I will say, though - in case prospective clients are reading this - Over the past 3 years, I have helped train a brilliant associate (i say HELP because she was already naturally brilliant, and very easy to teach)...her name is Veronica. Veronica is handling ALL my cases now, with arduous fervor, and brilliancy (I know I keep using the same adjective; my sleep-deprived brain can't think of anything else but AWESOME to describe her).

So...my firm isn't shut down. It's just that me, Kelly, isn't going to be practicing law.

I am still running a firm. I had to fire a client yesterday.

I actually made a call while holding Raya so her cries could be an excuse for me to get off the phone.

Instead, my talking in my "attorney voice" put her to sleep!!!

Go figure.

I don't get babies and sleep.

Au Pair, Associate and Assistant - I love you!

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part IV

Au Pair, Associate and Assistant

Happy Valentine's Day!! Obviously, I love my husband, and my 2 darling girls, and friends and family.

But in honor of V-Day, I also want to send love to the people in my life that give me a life. Namely: my au pair, my assistant, and my associate. (You know who you are). I cannot live without these people. Not only do I depend on them to survive - I am close to each of them, and I love with with all my heart.

Especially my au pair, who is regrettably leaving in May this year. People always ask me, "Who this delightful girl who helps you cook, clean and play with Adia?" "How does Adia speak such perfect Chinese?"

And I proudly say, "That's my au pair!". What is an au pair? Well, in French - this term means, "equal". It refers to someone who lives with you - that you treat AS AN EQUAL. In exchange for childcare, they receive housing and food, and they live with you for a year.

The au pairs are here on a 1-year Visa (the J Visa) (you can also extend another year, up to 2 years total), and the program is sponsored by the State Department. In addition to providing housing and boarding, you pay a stipend of $195.75 per week, for up to 45 hours of childcare and other related housework. You also pay the agency about $8,000 upfront for the year. Hosting an au pair for a year costs you approximately $17,000 a year. (~1416 a month). Compare this with daycare (1600 - 2400 a month), or a nanny ($15-20 per hour)...and you have a no-brainer.

Huili is our 3rd au pair. Though not every au pair has been exactly as perfect as her, we have been generally pretty happy with our Chinese au pairs.

To me, the best thing about the Au Pair program is the cultural exchange. My daughter Adia (who is 3.5) is completely fluent in Chinese. This means, she can THINK in Chinese (as opposed to thinking in English, and translating to Chinese - the way I do with French.) It's AMAZING when I watch her play with the au pairs, because she only speaks to them in Chinese. I am her MOTHER, and she refuses to speak to me in Chinese. We live in America, obviously ENGLISH is her preferred tongue. But, since we have an extra family member in the house that speaks Chinese, she adapts quickly and is completely fluent. This is better than Chinese School once a week!

That is what I am most thankful for, and we will continue hosting au pairs until Raya (our youngest) is 18. I am not joking.

The other aspect I really love is the bond that the au pairs develop with our children. I have cried BUCKETS every single time they have to leave to go back to China. When Raya was born, I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to give little Adia all my attention. And I wasn't! It's been 2 months, and Raya is on me approximately 23.5 hours a day. I am not sleeping, not working, and not pooping. I am definitely not able to run around with Adia!!! But, since she has Huili - her own special friend - I can still be in the house with Raya without feeling much guilt that Adia has no attention. She has her own special friend.

It's funny because I can tell Adia sometimes view her au pairs as her proprietary material. If her friends come over, and Huili plays with them, Adia will deliberately sit on Huili's lap. She will cling to Huili because that's HER friend. When Raya was born, one day Adia was in our room and I showed her a pre-Raya family picture of me, daddy and Adia. I asked, "Who is missing in this photo?" Without skipping a beat, Adia confidently answers, "Huili".

LOL!

Anyway, since I took up the Au Pair program 3 years ago, I have referred 4 families who also now have au pairs. They all love it. I would encourage all of you to explore this as a good option for childcare. You may end up lucky with an au pair like Huili - who cooks dinner for us every night, and has made the kitchen her second bedroom.

BTW, I used to do EVERYTHING alone. For Adia's entire first year, we relied only on grandmothers' help, and me and Scott. That is ridiculous. It is ridiculous to your clients to have to schedule calls around your baby's naptime. It is ridiculous to even practice LAW when you haven't slept for 6 months. It is absolutely hazardous and a breeding ground for malpractice!!! Raising children isn't just about playing with them, reading to them, singing to them, or feeding them breastmilk.

A mother's life includes housework: cleaning toilets , cleaning dirty dishes, getting groceries, putting away groceries, meal planning, cooking, washing dishes, pots, pans, dirty laundry, folding laundry, etc etc etc. Added up altogether and you have about 40 hours of work PER day, and your children are awake about 12 hours. (6 am to 8 pm, with a maybe 2 hour nap in between) That is 52 hours in a day you need to allot in order to run a perfect home. 52 hours!! There are only 24 hours in a day, and even if you don't sleep, you just have NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING.

Add to that running a law firm: intaking clients, returning phone calls, working on files, trying to make 40 billable hours a week (which I haven't done in ages, usually, I bill only 20 hours a week if I am lucky when i am working), balancing your clients' IOLTA accounts your business accounts, paying corporate taxes, estimate taxes, FUTA taxes, payroll, paying your contractors, paying rent, etc, etc, etc - it takes about 100 hours per week to run a law firm.

Anyway, you get my drift...I used to FEEL GUILTY about having help. In fact, people still stereotype me as a mom with help - as if my life is THAT much easier. HAHA! No, I have help. And because I have help, I am not DEAD. Also, because at home, I have help which I pay approximately $17,000 a year for, I can bill an extra 400 hours a YEAR, which means I can earn an extra $200,000. Do the math - there is nothing to feel guilty about.

So, working moms without in-home help, SERIOUSLY consider it. You may have to let go of a little bit of control. (I am still at home all the time, and I still have my 100 page indexed handbook that I quiz people on), but it's WORTH it.

Same with in the office. Before I had my human babies, I had a law firm - which was my baby. I created my law firm with ZERO clients. I learned how to build a website...from scratch. I learned about Search Engine Optimization. IN addition to keeping up with FAMILY LAW, i had to carve out a zillion hours to build a successful business. But, I had NO help. Which is stupid.

So, now I have an assistant and an associate (I love you guys).

Today, my life is still a massive whirlwind of chores, and tasks, and baby poo. But, because I have help, I am able to go poo now (while writing a blog).

So, today, I want to thank you wonderful people. I could never do it without you. I am NOTHING with you. I love you.

Working Moms v. Stay at Home Working Moms v. Stay at Home Moms

This is me as an attorney. This is me as a Stay at Home Mom. (SAHM)

This is my journal entry about the joys and the burdens of each.

A working mom's life isn't easy. Actually, in my opinion, nothing is more challenging than a working mom. Even me, I have never done it. I have always worked from HOME. So I would think a working mom is the toughest thing in the world. Except a stay at home mom. Actually, I am not sure any more. As a working mom, you deal the most with GUILT. You NEVER feel that you are good enough, in ANYTHING that you do. I think that movie Marley and Me had a pretty good monologue by Jennifer Aniston that says it all, "You're never good enough. You can't be in both places. When you're at work, you're thinking about your children. When you're home with your children, you're thinking about work". Basically, you suck at BOTH!!! And you are TIRED as heck and when you come home from a WHOLE day of battling it out in court, and you are exhausted, your children are NOT getting the BEST of you. They are getting YOU without rest, without peace...it's not the way to go. Whereas a SAHM can hand off the kids and go take a BREAK from them. A working mom NEVER gets a break. It's insane. On the other hand, as a working mom, you don't have to change diapers as much, or do housework, or deal with pooping and peeing and napping and kids who don't nap, and all the MUNDANE tasks of being a mother at home. I hate mundane task. No, as a working mom, you have something else besides your children that gives you confidence. You are well-respected. I am telling you, I made SuperLawyers for the 6th time this year...and man, that made me feel good. When I take the bench as Judge Pro Tem, and people address me as Your Honor, and I use every bit of patience and detail to reach the BEST decision ever, THAT makes me feel good. When I can pay for stuff, and not live on a budget, THAT feels good. When you can provide your children with everything they need, and not think about money, THAT feels good. So the PRO? You have a life outside of your kids. the CON? You have a life outside of your kids, and it gives you GUILT.

Now, I have always pretty much stayed home since Adia was born. Even though I pay rent for 4 offices, I also have a separate home office (which I BUILT so I can be at home when Adia was born). However, I was still pretty much WORKING...which means, I would be at the separate guesthouse with the monitor, and our au pair or nanny would be inside the main house with the children. So...I have never missed a milestone, or a doctor's appointment, and never spent more than 6 hours away from Adia her whole first year. BUT, I still worked, and it sucked having SO much to focus on outside of just being a mom.

Now, Stay at Home Mom. Ok. So I have full-time help now. Both in the office, and at home. At home, I have an incredible au pair named Huili who does EVERYTHING for me. She cooks every meal, she cleans like there is no tomorrow, and she plays with Adia. So, the time I get to spend with Adia, I am teaching her Piano, Reading to her, etc. Adia NEVER has to just stand aside and play by herself while I do chores, which is the plight of most SAHM's. HOWEVER, I am a full on mom to baby Raya. I guess I don't have a COMPLETE understanding of a SAHM because I have help. But I will try to articulate my thoughts anyway. I think being a SAHM is wonderful in SO many ways - your children are there, you are very much needed - you can focus on ONE thing, being a good mom. AND, you can take breaks! Because children nap!!! It's actually pretty awesome and easy. However, when they are awake and they both need you, it can extremely chaotic. (Like when Adia is screaming, "I'm done! on the toilet", and you are nursing Raya, and then the UPS man knocks on the door. So you unleash your boob, pull up your shirt, and tell Adia to wait, and then there are TWO kids screaming while you sign for your new computer and the UPS man can't wait to get the hell out of the chaos in your home). There are moments of complete silence. Then there are complete chaotic moments. It's unpredictable and exhausting. But it sure is funny. The BAD thing? It is REALLY, really boring. I mean, it's not really that boring to you when you are cleaning poo, and changing spit-up covered clothes, and folding laundry and surfing the net for recipes to make dinner, etc. but to others, you are really just one-dimensional and really, no one ever wants to hear you talk about how many times Raya pooed today. And then, you start waiting for your husband to come home - not because you want a break, but because you want ADULT conversation.

Seriously, it's happening to me! I have become a really boring person. It's SO hard. And I am SO black and white. Like, I really don't believe that it's ok to do ANYTHING outside of the home for personal reasons, except WORK. So, I never understood those moms who could take "girls' trips", or go "shopping" for the day, or take a day away. Well, first of all, I am nursing so I can't be away from baby more than 2 hours...but, even after I don't nurse anymore, I always feel SO much guilt when I am away from my children that I can't even enjoy myself - I guess I am what they call a "martyr mother". Or maybe even a "smother". I don't know. I just am always worried something bad will happen when I am not there. This upcoming weekend, my Adia is going skiing with Daddy without me. This is the FIRST time Adia has not been with me. We have always taken her on trips - to London, to Paris, to Vegas, everywhere - every trip, with Adia. I am just a little bit worried....But I also know that I have Raya to care for now...and there will be times that I have to split myself to pay attention to both.

As a sidenote...this is what happens when you have more and more children. Though you LOVE them all - who doesn't? The time and attention you have to give decreases, exponentially with each one. My friend aptly put it, "With my first, I breastfed 12 months. second, 9 months. third, 6 months. I hope this doesn't happen with all the other things in life!"

You just don't have that much to give!! And as someone who is a perfectionist, and Type AAAAAA, I just don't know how I can do it, except just give up working entirely. Which I don't think I am selfish enough (or rich enough) to do. So sigh.

For 2012, my DRAGON year, I will try to give up working entirely. Obviously, I have a law firm to run, so I have to do the financial end of things. AND, I have 1 or 2 clients who I simply cannot drop, so I have to tend to those cases. But as MUCH as I can, I am going to be a SAHM mom to 2 beautiful girls.

Having seen both sides, I think I would rather be a Stay At Home Working Mom. I could be a Stay at Home mom too, but I don't think I would be too happy. And no way in heck would I ever be able to be a Working Mom that works out of the house. I just could never do it.

Green Poo, Oversupply and Pumping v. Nursing

BITTERSWEET MOTHERHOOD

Part II, Green Poo And Other Breastfeeding Experiences

SOOOOO many new things I am learning relate to what a baby does 24/7 - eat, sleep and poo.

So, today, it's the green poo.

In the beginning, with Adia, I had NO milk. In fact, it took 5 WHOLE DAYS, an in-home visit with the best lactation consultant in the world, 2 different pumps, and 3 ALMOST giving-in's formula, before my milk generously overflowed.

So many women struggle with lack of milk supply.

I have ALWAYS had problems with OVERsupply.

Oversupply isn't all fun and games and donation to milk banks. It's about GREEN POO.

Breastmilk is composed of 2 parts: FOREmilk and HINDmilk. The FORE milk is composed of lactase, and a lot of water. It's there because your baby gets thirsty and it replenishes them. So, they will sip throughout the day the FOREmilk to replenish their thirst. When they are hungry, they keep sucking, and it's the milk that is the back of the ducts - that contains the FAT, the stuff that they fill up on. Both components are vital and necessary. The foremilk contains stuff for the brain they need, and the hindmilk - the calories they need to fill up, the fat they need to grow.

So, anyway, when you have overflowing boobs, your baby will fill up TOO quickly on the foremilk - which is high in water and lactase - the lactase is what causes the poo to be GREEN and frothy. They aren't getting the fat they need.

SO...I had to "block-feed", which is a fancy lactation term for "feeding from one boob only" for a few feeding until my body stopped producing so much milk.

These days, Raya still has one or two green poos a day (usually the 5 pm poo). But it's much better.

You can also remedy oversupply by pumping milk - and mixing it up in the bottle to feed.

But I don't bottle feed Raya.

With Adia, I exclusively pumped. Every day. I pumped 8 times a day (6 am, 8:30 am, 11, 1:30, 4, 6:30, and 9, and 3 am.). I would get about 1.5 ounces per hour. So, a total of 36 ounces a day. I was down to a SCIENCE. I was a freak. It took me about 20 -30 minutes per pump session, so I was spending roughly 160 minutes, or about 3-4 hours a day pumping, and then about 1 hour total washing and sterilizing pumps.

I pumped because I was afraid I would run out of milk. I pumped because I was afraid Adia wasn't drinking enough and I had to track it. I also pumped because I had to WORK, and I could work while pumping...but Icould not work while nursing.

The purpose of pumping milk and breastfeeding is the same - to provide your baby with the best nutrients nature intended. However, there is an added purpose to nursing - and that is to comfort your baby. There are lullabies that talk about breastfeeding...the famous Brahms' Lullaby with Lyrics states, "Lullaby and good night, Thy mother's delight, Bright angels beside My darling abide. They will guard thee at rest, Thou shalt wake on my breast."

When you say "mother", images of an infant nursing on a mother's breast comes to mind. It's not the same when you see an infant drink a bottle of pumped breastmilk.

Anyway, even though I went crazy providing the best nutrients for Adia - who didn't have a DROP of formula until she was 10 months old (only because I was on antibiotics for the D&C surgery from the molar pregnancy I had)...I always felt a certain guilt that I didn't nurse Adia as much.

So with Raya, it's make-up time! I nurse her ROUND the clock and it's giving her green poo!

OVERsupply is bad. Not only is it bad for the baby, but it's bad for MAMA. Constantly feeling full - unbearably leaky breasts - rapidly dropping weight! I was down to 85 pounds with Adia. I am 5'4. That's not normal.

I am a Human Binky

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part I: Human Binky

There isn't much in life richer in experience than being a mother.

I realize I also have tunnel vision, and haven't slept more than 4 hours straight for about 10 weeks.

But, I am speaking from experience. I haven't always been a stay-at-home mom. I once was a party animal, jetsetting world traveler in my 20's, and I have been to over 33 countries. I have sky-dove. I have jumped off Mount Pepito hangliding in Rio De Janeiro. I went to Turkey alone after 9/11 for a month. I was on a reality TV show. I have been in commercials. Dude, I won the showcase showdown on The Price is Right. I became an attorney at age 23, possibly setting a record in the California State Bar. I believe the youngest attorney was age 23, and I was that one attorney. I also am a divorce and custody attorney - and have been for almost 13 years. I have sat on the bench as a Judge. I have ran a marathon! I have been pregnant 3 times, and carried two pregnancies to term - OVER term - and vaginally pushed out 2 babies. So in my 36 years, I have seen a LOT, dealt with a LOT, and experienced a LOT.

(Sorry, I HAD to put in a brag paragraph, because seriously, my life is just about one thing right now, which makes me very boring, and I have to justify my point of view by telling my audience I USED TO BE SOOO INTERESTING!!!!!)

NOTHING compares to raising children. NOTHING.

Currently, I am dealing with one major issue: lack of sleep. We are not talking the WEEK of finals where no one sleeps. WE are talking 10 straight weeks of catnaps, through the night and day. And why?

Because Raya has made me her human binky.

It works like this: Raya needs my boobs for comfort. So I comfort her with my boob. Then, as is nature to addiction, she seeks comfort more and more - so I nurse her more and more. Now, she won't sleep without sucking on me. And she refuses a binky. (it's nothing like a human nipple).

I have googled it. There are 2 trains of thought.

1) That's what it's for; and

2) STOP it and let them cry it out.

There isn't a middle ground. I can't just SOMETIMES let her do it, because babies don't know moderation.

So, I opted for choice 1, and now, Raya is attached to me almost 12-15 hours a day.

Why is it bittersweet? Because only I can comfort this little one. Only I can feed her, and only I am equipped. It makes me feel incredibly special.

But it is also killing me. I literally hold in my pee and poo for HOURS. (this is NOT good for your health). I also have not slept.

Help me!

Choices

I had my second miracle happen to me this December, 2011, when little Raya was born.

For some reason, I was much more alert during the birth. The labor lasted 3 hours - the epidural BARELY went in before I felt her head poking out into the world.

For some reason, I CRIED this time - probably because I was able to truly feel the miracle of life...

I decided the moment I held Raya in my arms that I would take at least 6 months off to be completely with her.

It wasn't long after that I decided I would take at least a YEAR off.

It hasn't been easy - the angry clients, the feeling that I am completely losing control over my business. It is TRULY challenging to be a stay at home mom. Complete exhaustion, not having time to go pee and poo and eat because the children need you -- but to try and be a MOM, AND run a law firm? It has been really humbling to know that I am no longer in control.

In a way though - I know that my decision is for the best. It isn't right to my clients that I practice law right now. I am not sleeping. I am not pooping! All I am is a mom (yes, a darn good one!). I nurse my baby round the clock (I don't pump milk anymore); I do housework; I spend time with Adia when Raya is sleeping. I am here, and full of life for my children.

But there just isn't enough brain power in me to also run a business and practice law.

There is absolutely NO way that my clients would get the BEST Superlawyer there is right now, because physically I am NOT equipped. Lack of sleep WILL affect brain cells.

I am truly hoping that this year off will teach me wonderful lessons...

Enjoy the journey!

My dear, dear clients - if you read this - I am so sorry! I refuse to compromise my position as an attorney.