Au Pair, Associate and Assistant - I love you!

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part IV

Au Pair, Associate and Assistant

Happy Valentine's Day!! Obviously, I love my husband, and my 2 darling girls, and friends and family.

But in honor of V-Day, I also want to send love to the people in my life that give me a life. Namely: my au pair, my assistant, and my associate. (You know who you are). I cannot live without these people. Not only do I depend on them to survive - I am close to each of them, and I love with with all my heart.

Especially my au pair, who is regrettably leaving in May this year. People always ask me, "Who this delightful girl who helps you cook, clean and play with Adia?" "How does Adia speak such perfect Chinese?"

And I proudly say, "That's my au pair!". What is an au pair? Well, in French - this term means, "equal". It refers to someone who lives with you - that you treat AS AN EQUAL. In exchange for childcare, they receive housing and food, and they live with you for a year.

The au pairs are here on a 1-year Visa (the J Visa) (you can also extend another year, up to 2 years total), and the program is sponsored by the State Department. In addition to providing housing and boarding, you pay a stipend of $195.75 per week, for up to 45 hours of childcare and other related housework. You also pay the agency about $8,000 upfront for the year. Hosting an au pair for a year costs you approximately $17,000 a year. (~1416 a month). Compare this with daycare (1600 - 2400 a month), or a nanny ($15-20 per hour)...and you have a no-brainer.

Huili is our 3rd au pair. Though not every au pair has been exactly as perfect as her, we have been generally pretty happy with our Chinese au pairs.

To me, the best thing about the Au Pair program is the cultural exchange. My daughter Adia (who is 3.5) is completely fluent in Chinese. This means, she can THINK in Chinese (as opposed to thinking in English, and translating to Chinese - the way I do with French.) It's AMAZING when I watch her play with the au pairs, because she only speaks to them in Chinese. I am her MOTHER, and she refuses to speak to me in Chinese. We live in America, obviously ENGLISH is her preferred tongue. But, since we have an extra family member in the house that speaks Chinese, she adapts quickly and is completely fluent. This is better than Chinese School once a week!

That is what I am most thankful for, and we will continue hosting au pairs until Raya (our youngest) is 18. I am not joking.

The other aspect I really love is the bond that the au pairs develop with our children. I have cried BUCKETS every single time they have to leave to go back to China. When Raya was born, I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to give little Adia all my attention. And I wasn't! It's been 2 months, and Raya is on me approximately 23.5 hours a day. I am not sleeping, not working, and not pooping. I am definitely not able to run around with Adia!!! But, since she has Huili - her own special friend - I can still be in the house with Raya without feeling much guilt that Adia has no attention. She has her own special friend.

It's funny because I can tell Adia sometimes view her au pairs as her proprietary material. If her friends come over, and Huili plays with them, Adia will deliberately sit on Huili's lap. She will cling to Huili because that's HER friend. When Raya was born, one day Adia was in our room and I showed her a pre-Raya family picture of me, daddy and Adia. I asked, "Who is missing in this photo?" Without skipping a beat, Adia confidently answers, "Huili".

LOL!

Anyway, since I took up the Au Pair program 3 years ago, I have referred 4 families who also now have au pairs. They all love it. I would encourage all of you to explore this as a good option for childcare. You may end up lucky with an au pair like Huili - who cooks dinner for us every night, and has made the kitchen her second bedroom.

BTW, I used to do EVERYTHING alone. For Adia's entire first year, we relied only on grandmothers' help, and me and Scott. That is ridiculous. It is ridiculous to your clients to have to schedule calls around your baby's naptime. It is ridiculous to even practice LAW when you haven't slept for 6 months. It is absolutely hazardous and a breeding ground for malpractice!!! Raising children isn't just about playing with them, reading to them, singing to them, or feeding them breastmilk.

A mother's life includes housework: cleaning toilets , cleaning dirty dishes, getting groceries, putting away groceries, meal planning, cooking, washing dishes, pots, pans, dirty laundry, folding laundry, etc etc etc. Added up altogether and you have about 40 hours of work PER day, and your children are awake about 12 hours. (6 am to 8 pm, with a maybe 2 hour nap in between) That is 52 hours in a day you need to allot in order to run a perfect home. 52 hours!! There are only 24 hours in a day, and even if you don't sleep, you just have NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING.

Add to that running a law firm: intaking clients, returning phone calls, working on files, trying to make 40 billable hours a week (which I haven't done in ages, usually, I bill only 20 hours a week if I am lucky when i am working), balancing your clients' IOLTA accounts your business accounts, paying corporate taxes, estimate taxes, FUTA taxes, payroll, paying your contractors, paying rent, etc, etc, etc - it takes about 100 hours per week to run a law firm.

Anyway, you get my drift...I used to FEEL GUILTY about having help. In fact, people still stereotype me as a mom with help - as if my life is THAT much easier. HAHA! No, I have help. And because I have help, I am not DEAD. Also, because at home, I have help which I pay approximately $17,000 a year for, I can bill an extra 400 hours a YEAR, which means I can earn an extra $200,000. Do the math - there is nothing to feel guilty about.

So, working moms without in-home help, SERIOUSLY consider it. You may have to let go of a little bit of control. (I am still at home all the time, and I still have my 100 page indexed handbook that I quiz people on), but it's WORTH it.

Same with in the office. Before I had my human babies, I had a law firm - which was my baby. I created my law firm with ZERO clients. I learned how to build a website...from scratch. I learned about Search Engine Optimization. IN addition to keeping up with FAMILY LAW, i had to carve out a zillion hours to build a successful business. But, I had NO help. Which is stupid.

So, now I have an assistant and an associate (I love you guys).

Today, my life is still a massive whirlwind of chores, and tasks, and baby poo. But, because I have help, I am able to go poo now (while writing a blog).

So, today, I want to thank you wonderful people. I could never do it without you. I am NOTHING with you. I love you.

Working Moms v. Stay at Home Working Moms v. Stay at Home Moms

This is me as an attorney. This is me as a Stay at Home Mom. (SAHM)

This is my journal entry about the joys and the burdens of each.

A working mom's life isn't easy. Actually, in my opinion, nothing is more challenging than a working mom. Even me, I have never done it. I have always worked from HOME. So I would think a working mom is the toughest thing in the world. Except a stay at home mom. Actually, I am not sure any more. As a working mom, you deal the most with GUILT. You NEVER feel that you are good enough, in ANYTHING that you do. I think that movie Marley and Me had a pretty good monologue by Jennifer Aniston that says it all, "You're never good enough. You can't be in both places. When you're at work, you're thinking about your children. When you're home with your children, you're thinking about work". Basically, you suck at BOTH!!! And you are TIRED as heck and when you come home from a WHOLE day of battling it out in court, and you are exhausted, your children are NOT getting the BEST of you. They are getting YOU without rest, without peace...it's not the way to go. Whereas a SAHM can hand off the kids and go take a BREAK from them. A working mom NEVER gets a break. It's insane. On the other hand, as a working mom, you don't have to change diapers as much, or do housework, or deal with pooping and peeing and napping and kids who don't nap, and all the MUNDANE tasks of being a mother at home. I hate mundane task. No, as a working mom, you have something else besides your children that gives you confidence. You are well-respected. I am telling you, I made SuperLawyers for the 6th time this year...and man, that made me feel good. When I take the bench as Judge Pro Tem, and people address me as Your Honor, and I use every bit of patience and detail to reach the BEST decision ever, THAT makes me feel good. When I can pay for stuff, and not live on a budget, THAT feels good. When you can provide your children with everything they need, and not think about money, THAT feels good. So the PRO? You have a life outside of your kids. the CON? You have a life outside of your kids, and it gives you GUILT.

Now, I have always pretty much stayed home since Adia was born. Even though I pay rent for 4 offices, I also have a separate home office (which I BUILT so I can be at home when Adia was born). However, I was still pretty much WORKING...which means, I would be at the separate guesthouse with the monitor, and our au pair or nanny would be inside the main house with the children. So...I have never missed a milestone, or a doctor's appointment, and never spent more than 6 hours away from Adia her whole first year. BUT, I still worked, and it sucked having SO much to focus on outside of just being a mom.

Now, Stay at Home Mom. Ok. So I have full-time help now. Both in the office, and at home. At home, I have an incredible au pair named Huili who does EVERYTHING for me. She cooks every meal, she cleans like there is no tomorrow, and she plays with Adia. So, the time I get to spend with Adia, I am teaching her Piano, Reading to her, etc. Adia NEVER has to just stand aside and play by herself while I do chores, which is the plight of most SAHM's. HOWEVER, I am a full on mom to baby Raya. I guess I don't have a COMPLETE understanding of a SAHM because I have help. But I will try to articulate my thoughts anyway. I think being a SAHM is wonderful in SO many ways - your children are there, you are very much needed - you can focus on ONE thing, being a good mom. AND, you can take breaks! Because children nap!!! It's actually pretty awesome and easy. However, when they are awake and they both need you, it can extremely chaotic. (Like when Adia is screaming, "I'm done! on the toilet", and you are nursing Raya, and then the UPS man knocks on the door. So you unleash your boob, pull up your shirt, and tell Adia to wait, and then there are TWO kids screaming while you sign for your new computer and the UPS man can't wait to get the hell out of the chaos in your home). There are moments of complete silence. Then there are complete chaotic moments. It's unpredictable and exhausting. But it sure is funny. The BAD thing? It is REALLY, really boring. I mean, it's not really that boring to you when you are cleaning poo, and changing spit-up covered clothes, and folding laundry and surfing the net for recipes to make dinner, etc. but to others, you are really just one-dimensional and really, no one ever wants to hear you talk about how many times Raya pooed today. And then, you start waiting for your husband to come home - not because you want a break, but because you want ADULT conversation.

Seriously, it's happening to me! I have become a really boring person. It's SO hard. And I am SO black and white. Like, I really don't believe that it's ok to do ANYTHING outside of the home for personal reasons, except WORK. So, I never understood those moms who could take "girls' trips", or go "shopping" for the day, or take a day away. Well, first of all, I am nursing so I can't be away from baby more than 2 hours...but, even after I don't nurse anymore, I always feel SO much guilt when I am away from my children that I can't even enjoy myself - I guess I am what they call a "martyr mother". Or maybe even a "smother". I don't know. I just am always worried something bad will happen when I am not there. This upcoming weekend, my Adia is going skiing with Daddy without me. This is the FIRST time Adia has not been with me. We have always taken her on trips - to London, to Paris, to Vegas, everywhere - every trip, with Adia. I am just a little bit worried....But I also know that I have Raya to care for now...and there will be times that I have to split myself to pay attention to both.

As a sidenote...this is what happens when you have more and more children. Though you LOVE them all - who doesn't? The time and attention you have to give decreases, exponentially with each one. My friend aptly put it, "With my first, I breastfed 12 months. second, 9 months. third, 6 months. I hope this doesn't happen with all the other things in life!"

You just don't have that much to give!! And as someone who is a perfectionist, and Type AAAAAA, I just don't know how I can do it, except just give up working entirely. Which I don't think I am selfish enough (or rich enough) to do. So sigh.

For 2012, my DRAGON year, I will try to give up working entirely. Obviously, I have a law firm to run, so I have to do the financial end of things. AND, I have 1 or 2 clients who I simply cannot drop, so I have to tend to those cases. But as MUCH as I can, I am going to be a SAHM mom to 2 beautiful girls.

Having seen both sides, I think I would rather be a Stay At Home Working Mom. I could be a Stay at Home mom too, but I don't think I would be too happy. And no way in heck would I ever be able to be a Working Mom that works out of the house. I just could never do it.

Green Poo, Oversupply and Pumping v. Nursing

BITTERSWEET MOTHERHOOD

Part II, Green Poo And Other Breastfeeding Experiences

SOOOOO many new things I am learning relate to what a baby does 24/7 - eat, sleep and poo.

So, today, it's the green poo.

In the beginning, with Adia, I had NO milk. In fact, it took 5 WHOLE DAYS, an in-home visit with the best lactation consultant in the world, 2 different pumps, and 3 ALMOST giving-in's formula, before my milk generously overflowed.

So many women struggle with lack of milk supply.

I have ALWAYS had problems with OVERsupply.

Oversupply isn't all fun and games and donation to milk banks. It's about GREEN POO.

Breastmilk is composed of 2 parts: FOREmilk and HINDmilk. The FORE milk is composed of lactase, and a lot of water. It's there because your baby gets thirsty and it replenishes them. So, they will sip throughout the day the FOREmilk to replenish their thirst. When they are hungry, they keep sucking, and it's the milk that is the back of the ducts - that contains the FAT, the stuff that they fill up on. Both components are vital and necessary. The foremilk contains stuff for the brain they need, and the hindmilk - the calories they need to fill up, the fat they need to grow.

So, anyway, when you have overflowing boobs, your baby will fill up TOO quickly on the foremilk - which is high in water and lactase - the lactase is what causes the poo to be GREEN and frothy. They aren't getting the fat they need.

SO...I had to "block-feed", which is a fancy lactation term for "feeding from one boob only" for a few feeding until my body stopped producing so much milk.

These days, Raya still has one or two green poos a day (usually the 5 pm poo). But it's much better.

You can also remedy oversupply by pumping milk - and mixing it up in the bottle to feed.

But I don't bottle feed Raya.

With Adia, I exclusively pumped. Every day. I pumped 8 times a day (6 am, 8:30 am, 11, 1:30, 4, 6:30, and 9, and 3 am.). I would get about 1.5 ounces per hour. So, a total of 36 ounces a day. I was down to a SCIENCE. I was a freak. It took me about 20 -30 minutes per pump session, so I was spending roughly 160 minutes, or about 3-4 hours a day pumping, and then about 1 hour total washing and sterilizing pumps.

I pumped because I was afraid I would run out of milk. I pumped because I was afraid Adia wasn't drinking enough and I had to track it. I also pumped because I had to WORK, and I could work while pumping...but Icould not work while nursing.

The purpose of pumping milk and breastfeeding is the same - to provide your baby with the best nutrients nature intended. However, there is an added purpose to nursing - and that is to comfort your baby. There are lullabies that talk about breastfeeding...the famous Brahms' Lullaby with Lyrics states, "Lullaby and good night, Thy mother's delight, Bright angels beside My darling abide. They will guard thee at rest, Thou shalt wake on my breast."

When you say "mother", images of an infant nursing on a mother's breast comes to mind. It's not the same when you see an infant drink a bottle of pumped breastmilk.

Anyway, even though I went crazy providing the best nutrients for Adia - who didn't have a DROP of formula until she was 10 months old (only because I was on antibiotics for the D&C surgery from the molar pregnancy I had)...I always felt a certain guilt that I didn't nurse Adia as much.

So with Raya, it's make-up time! I nurse her ROUND the clock and it's giving her green poo!

OVERsupply is bad. Not only is it bad for the baby, but it's bad for MAMA. Constantly feeling full - unbearably leaky breasts - rapidly dropping weight! I was down to 85 pounds with Adia. I am 5'4. That's not normal.

I am a Human Binky

Bittersweet Motherhood

Part I: Human Binky

There isn't much in life richer in experience than being a mother.

I realize I also have tunnel vision, and haven't slept more than 4 hours straight for about 10 weeks.

But, I am speaking from experience. I haven't always been a stay-at-home mom. I once was a party animal, jetsetting world traveler in my 20's, and I have been to over 33 countries. I have sky-dove. I have jumped off Mount Pepito hangliding in Rio De Janeiro. I went to Turkey alone after 9/11 for a month. I was on a reality TV show. I have been in commercials. Dude, I won the showcase showdown on The Price is Right. I became an attorney at age 23, possibly setting a record in the California State Bar. I believe the youngest attorney was age 23, and I was that one attorney. I also am a divorce and custody attorney - and have been for almost 13 years. I have sat on the bench as a Judge. I have ran a marathon! I have been pregnant 3 times, and carried two pregnancies to term - OVER term - and vaginally pushed out 2 babies. So in my 36 years, I have seen a LOT, dealt with a LOT, and experienced a LOT.

(Sorry, I HAD to put in a brag paragraph, because seriously, my life is just about one thing right now, which makes me very boring, and I have to justify my point of view by telling my audience I USED TO BE SOOO INTERESTING!!!!!)

NOTHING compares to raising children. NOTHING.

Currently, I am dealing with one major issue: lack of sleep. We are not talking the WEEK of finals where no one sleeps. WE are talking 10 straight weeks of catnaps, through the night and day. And why?

Because Raya has made me her human binky.

It works like this: Raya needs my boobs for comfort. So I comfort her with my boob. Then, as is nature to addiction, she seeks comfort more and more - so I nurse her more and more. Now, she won't sleep without sucking on me. And she refuses a binky. (it's nothing like a human nipple).

I have googled it. There are 2 trains of thought.

1) That's what it's for; and

2) STOP it and let them cry it out.

There isn't a middle ground. I can't just SOMETIMES let her do it, because babies don't know moderation.

So, I opted for choice 1, and now, Raya is attached to me almost 12-15 hours a day.

Why is it bittersweet? Because only I can comfort this little one. Only I can feed her, and only I am equipped. It makes me feel incredibly special.

But it is also killing me. I literally hold in my pee and poo for HOURS. (this is NOT good for your health). I also have not slept.

Help me!

Choices

I had my second miracle happen to me this December, 2011, when little Raya was born.

For some reason, I was much more alert during the birth. The labor lasted 3 hours - the epidural BARELY went in before I felt her head poking out into the world.

For some reason, I CRIED this time - probably because I was able to truly feel the miracle of life...

I decided the moment I held Raya in my arms that I would take at least 6 months off to be completely with her.

It wasn't long after that I decided I would take at least a YEAR off.

It hasn't been easy - the angry clients, the feeling that I am completely losing control over my business. It is TRULY challenging to be a stay at home mom. Complete exhaustion, not having time to go pee and poo and eat because the children need you -- but to try and be a MOM, AND run a law firm? It has been really humbling to know that I am no longer in control.

In a way though - I know that my decision is for the best. It isn't right to my clients that I practice law right now. I am not sleeping. I am not pooping! All I am is a mom (yes, a darn good one!). I nurse my baby round the clock (I don't pump milk anymore); I do housework; I spend time with Adia when Raya is sleeping. I am here, and full of life for my children.

But there just isn't enough brain power in me to also run a business and practice law.

There is absolutely NO way that my clients would get the BEST Superlawyer there is right now, because physically I am NOT equipped. Lack of sleep WILL affect brain cells.

I am truly hoping that this year off will teach me wonderful lessons...

Enjoy the journey!

My dear, dear clients - if you read this - I am so sorry! I refuse to compromise my position as an attorney.

Mommymoon at Terranea Resort, Rancho Palos Verdes

Terranea Resort

100 Terranea Way

Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275

When Baby Makes More than Three, To Terranea Immediately Get Thee!

by Kelly Chang Rickert (mama)

Honeymoons: For newlyweds.

Babymoons: For couples expecting children.

Mommymoons. For moms. ALONE.

mommymoon [mom-mee-moon]

–noun:

1. A vacation taken by a mother expecting her second or any subsequent child;

2. A brief period characterized by uninterrupted tranquility, bliss, and/or pampering;

3. A much-needed and well-deserved escape from the chaos and responsibilities of home or work (or both), for a pregnant woman who is already caring for one or more kids.

Why is this necessary?

Sanity.

Seriously, ever since I became a mother, I have been away a total of only 5 nights away from my daughter and husband. And this is all due to work - court appearances in SF, out-of-town board meetings for the ACFLS, etc. They were all "excuse-able". They were not fun. I had to WORK. (thus, no guilt).

Sure, I've heard of the myth of "girls' weekends", "girls getaways", but honestly, if I ever went away with girlfriends, or my sister-in-law, just for a day to myself, I would never get over the guilt. As a working mother (divorce attorney), I am already away during work hours for most of the workweek, such that when the weekend comes, I have absolutely NO desire to be anywhere but attached to my baby.

This, of course, means, that between handling clients all week and managing a law office, and then being non-stop mama all weekend, I basically have no downtime.

With baby #2 due in about 8 weeks (and a NASTY divorce trial set 4 months after baby #2 arrives), I thought it was time that I finally carved aside some time to myself so I can finally take the lingering bubble bath I've longed for, for over 4 years.

So, I took my bubble bath, and 2 books, and spent one glorious night, and 1.5 days alone before my handsome husband and adorable 3-year-old joined me for the weekend.

And, I didn't work.

I just relaxed.

California moms, Terranea Resort is the BEST place in the world for a mommymoon. Here are reasons why:

1. ESCAPE, BUT BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO HOME FOR EMERGENCIES. First and foremost, a mommymoon must embody escape. This is your chance to NOT take calls, NOT answer emails, NOT grocery shop, NOT fold laundry, NOT cook, NOT play mama, wife, boss, manager, lawyer, whatever! ESCAPE AND DO NOTHING. And if you are neurotic like me, and fear emergencies - it is close enough that the main players in your life can still reach you. Terranea is only 45 minutes drive away, so I was close enough to be reached.

2. BE WITH WHAT GOD CREATED, AND STILL PAMPER YOURSELF ROTTEN. Nature is really good for your soul. Ocean, trees, rocks, mountains, beach. That's why people go camping. However, being 8 months pregnant, "roughing it" is somewhat masochistic. Enter Terranea - a serene place of absolute beauty. Seriously. Just look at the photos from: 1) right outside my suite, 2) a short walk down, and 3) lobby.

BEAUTY surrounds this place, ladies. Yes, unbelievable. Even the Garden of Eden had a evil serpent. I can absolutely, without reservations, tell you that Terranea is unflawed. Ever since they opened their doors in 2009, we have made Terranea Resort an annual destination (we are spoiled rotten). This is the THIRD time, and I have yet to find a minor imperfection in the amazing architecture and nature of this place.

Oh, and their spa? To die for. I am not ashamed to admit - I am a spa junkie. That's right, I am do my best work - litigation planning - when getting a rubdown. I also have discovered long ago that I simply cannot sleep or digest my food to nourish my 96-pound pre-pregnancy body without getting a massage every month. Others exercise, I get massaged.

Yes, they are very expensive. But they happened to be running an Autumn Special. For $150 (plus 20% added gratuity for a total of $180), you get a 50-minute massage or facial AND a mini-treatment: Moroccan hair treatment; eyebrow wax; or hand and foot treatment. I went crazy and had TWO. Even if they weren't running a special though, it is still worth it to pay $185 ($222 total) for a 60 minute pre-natal massage.

Bottom line: I have frequented the best spas in the world, and with that experience, I STILL say Terranea is the best. The therapists are well-trained in pre-natal massage (Advice: NEVER go to an inexperienced parlor for a prenatal rub - it will hurt you, AND the baby.) And they have a RELAXATION ROOM on the second floor smack dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, complete with a fireplace.

3. TOP-NOTCH SERVICE. No kidding. From valet to housekeeping to restaurants and front desk - every single person there is ready to serve you. Example: I am clearly 32 weeks pregnant. I check in. I get spa'ed. I order room service. Knock, knock! Complimentary fruits and crackers for you! Example: I am clearly 32 weeks pregnant. At check-in, my favorite front desk person whom shall remain anonymous, because I don't want anyone else getting special treatment (but his initials are J.C.) gives me a complimentary upgrade to an ocean view suite so I can have more space while I am rapidly expanding.

<--------Kelly 32 weeks pregnant

Example: Housekeeping brings extra water (no charge), toothpaste, matches for my Diptyque candle within 5 minutes of calling. Example: Free shoe shine - just leave bag outside. ALL the amenities of a 5-star hotel, minus the snootiness. Everyone here is just happy from inside out and willing to serve you. Which is the WHOLE point of a mommymoon - because as a mom, you are used to serving everyone else.

4. DEFINITELY AFFORDABLE IF YOU ARE ATUNE TO DEALS; STILL CHEAPER THAN OTHER MOMMYMOON/BABYMOONS. I am the researching type. I spent several hours browing the net for mommymoon/babymoons. Basically, if you are looking to be pampered with a package that includes a retreat in a nice hotel, complete with spa treatments, and other special niceties, such as gift baskets, yoga classes, and ambiance, you are looking to pay at least $1500 for 3 nights, including flights, etc. I noticed that most mommymoons/babymoons are in Northern California. For example, there's the Barefoot and Pregnant Spa, located near San Jose and Napa. They advertise packages between $900 - $2800. This does not include the airfare for a flight up there. There is also Miraval in Tuscon, Arizona, which is an all-inclusive resort. So, for all meals paid, complete with all classes, housing, their rates range from $655 - $1090 a night. Terranea Resort ranges from $300 - $1250 a night, depending on room size, room view, etc. They frequently offer return guests deals. I had a Buy 2 nights, get 1 night deal - so the room was approximately $299 (plus $25 resort fee plus $30 valet per night). But I was upgraded to a suite, which is approximately $750 a night. The entire weekend, filled with fine dining, in-room spoiling, spa'ing, cost less than $2000. And I didn't have to pay for a flight. It is expensive, but worth it.

If you are interested in going, you may contact me for a deal code for a repeat customer. I would gladly call you my guest just to prove to you how amazing this place is.

5. PERFECT AMOUNT OF CHOICES SO YOU ARE NOT OVERWHELMED. There are a bazillion things to do at Miraval. I actually got stressed looking at their menu of activities. At Terranea, there isn't too much to do. There is a beautiful trail along the ocean where you can walk. There is a spa. which includes a salon, cafe, and shop. There are three restaurants: Mar'Sel; Catalina Kitchen and Nelsons. There is a Sea Beans cafe/coffeeshop. There is golf. There are tons of firepits where you can make S'Mores. There are 3 pools: main, spa, and adult. There's golf. And that's it, folks. This is a place where you can truly relax, instead of trying to experience all there is. You know what I did all weekend besides spa treatments? I ordered room service, and I read 2 excellent books: Heaven is for Real and The Help. This is incredible. The last 2 books I read were "Llama Llama misses Mama" and "Contempt Citations in Family Court". Mamas, you need to relax on a mommymoon, so you can recharge. It's not about being stimulated, it's about being situated.

Ahhhh, how I absolutely love Terranea. If I had a million dollars, I would find someone else who had a million dollars, and we could buy and share a 3-bedroom villa there. It is the perfect place for a busy mother trying to escape noise in her life. It is also a perfect place for a family get-together. Or a babymoon. It is, in one word, perfect. We will continue to go, every year.

But moms, if you are in your third trimester, and you can afford it, I highly recommend going to Terranea to recharge for a weekend. Your baby and you deserve it.

TERRANEA LOVE OVER THE YEARS

2009

2010

2011

Bi-Lingual Babies

Hearing Bilingual: How Babies Sort Out Language

By PERRI KLASS, M.D.


Once, experts feared that young children exposed to more than one language would suffer “language confusion,” which might delay their speech development. Today, parents often are urged to capitalize on that early knack for acquiring language.

Upscale schools market themselves with promises of deep immersion in Spanish — or Mandarin — for everyone, starting in kindergarten or even before. Yet while many parents recognize the utility of a second language, families bringing up children in non-English-speaking households, or trying to juggle two languages at home, are often desperate for information.

And while the study of bilingual development has refuted those early fears about confusion and delay, there aren’t many research-based guidelines about the very early years and the best strategies for producing a happily bilingual child.

But there is more and more research to draw on, reaching back to infancy and even to the womb. As the relatively new science of bilingualism pushes back to the origins of speech and language, scientists are teasing out the earliest differences between brains exposed to one language and brains exposed to two.

Researchers have found ways to analyze infant behavior — where babies turn their gazes, how long they pay attention — to help figure out infant perceptions of sounds and words and languages, of what is familiar and what is unfamiliar to them. Now, analyzing the neurologic activity of babies’ brains as they hear language, and then comparing those early responses with the words that those children learn as they get older, is helping explain not just how the early brain listens to language, but how listening shapes the early brain.

Recently, researchers at the University of Washington used measures of electrical brain responses to compare so-called monolingual infants, from homes in which one language was spoken, to bilingual infants exposed to two languages. Of course, since the subjects of the study, adorable in their infant-size EEG caps, ranged from 6 months to 12 months of age, they weren’t producing many words in any language. Still, the researchers found that at 6 months, the monolingual infants could discriminate between phonetic sounds, whether they were uttered in the language they were used to hearing or in another language not spoken in their homes. By 10 to 12 months, however, monolingual babies were no longer detecting sounds in the second language, only in the language they usually heard. The researchers suggested that this represents a process of “neural commitment,” in which the infant brain wires itself to understand one language and its sounds. In contrast, the bilingual infants followed a different developmental trajectory. At 6 to 9 months, they did not detect differences in phonetic sounds in either language, but when they were older — 10 to 12 months — they were able to discriminate sounds in both. “What the study demonstrates is that the variability in bilingual babies’ experience keeps them open,” said Dr. Patricia Kuhl, co-director of the Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences at the University of Washington and one of the authors of the study. “They do not show the perceptual narrowing as soon as monolingual babies do. It’s another piece of evidence that what you experience shapes the brain.”

The learning of language — and the effects on the brain of the language we hear — may begin even earlier than 6 months of age. Janet Werker, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, studies how babies perceive language and how that shapes their learning. Even in the womb, she said, babies are exposed to the rhythms and sounds of language, and newborns have been shown to prefer languages rhythmically similar to the one they’ve heard during fetal development. In one recent study, Dr. Werker and her collaborators showed that babies born to bilingual mothers not only prefer both of those languages over others — but are also able to register that the two languages are different. In addition to this ability to use rhythmic sound to discriminate between languages, Dr. Werker has studied other strategies that infants use as they grow, showing how their brains use different kinds of perception to learn languages, and also to keep them separate. In a study of older infants shown silent videotapes of adults speaking, 4-month-olds could distinguish different languages visually by watching mouth and facial motions and responded with interest when the language changed. By 8 months, though, the monolingual infants were no longer responding to the difference in languages in these silent movies, while the bilingual infants continued to be engaged. “For a baby who’s growing up bilingual, it’s like, ‘Hey, this is important information,’ ” Dr. Werker said.

Over the past decade, Ellen Bialystok, a distinguished research professor of psychology at York University in Toronto, has shown that bilingual children develop crucial skills in addition to their double vocabularies, learning different ways to solve logic problems or to handle multitasking, skills that are often considered part of the brain’s so-called executive function. These higher-level cognitive abilities are localized to the frontal and prefrontal cortex in the brain.

“Overwhelmingly, children who are bilingual from early on have precocious development of executive function,” Dr. Bialystok said. Dr. Kuhl calls bilingual babies “more cognitively flexible” than monolingual infants.

Her research group is examining infant brains with an even newer imaging device, magnetoencephalography, or MEG, which combines an M.R.I. scan with a recording of magnetic field changes as the brain transmits information. Dr. Kuhl describes the device as looking like a “hair dryer from Mars,” and she hopes that it will help explore the question of why babies learn language from people, but not from screens. Previous research by her group showed that exposing English-language infants in Seattle to someone speaking to them in Mandarin helped those babies preserve the ability to discriminate Chinese language sounds, but when the same “dose” of Mandarin was delivered by a television program or an audiotape, the babies learned nothing. “This special mapping that babies seem to do with language happens in a social setting,” Dr. Kuhl said. “They need to be face to face, interacting with other people. The brain is turned on in a unique way.”