Huili's Last Day

H

Early this morning, Adia and Scott took Huili to the airport.  Huili is off to Washington DC to be with a new family for another year.

I have never seen Adia cry when an au pair left.  She cried today.  She is 3 and 1/2 years old.

Every time an au pair leaves, and a new one comes, Adia is one year older...

Huili is an amazing young woman.  She is the 2nd of 4 children - and she really, really took care of not only Adia, but our family.  What amazed me about Huili is her quiet strength - the type that I can only envy because I can never possess that.  Whether she is physically ill, or feeling homesick, or something is troubling her, she never succumbed to her emotions, but kept prodding on, taking care of Adia.  She ALWAYS put others before herself.

Isn't it interesting that this young lady - who never knew of Christ - followed in His steps?  Others before self.

Huili told me before she left that she thinks she believes in God, in Christ.

Of all the au pairs, Huili was the only one who saw the circle of life in our home.  When she arrived in May 2011, I was only about 2.5 months pregnant.  She was one of the first ones who knew.  She went to Florida with us - to Disneyworld.  Then, she moved with us 3 times, to 3 different homes, while we completed the 8-week kitchen remodel when I was 21 weeks pregnant.  She was there when we discovered Raya was a girl!

And, she was the one Adia ran to that morning Adia woke up, came to our bedroom, and realized mama and daddy had gone to the hospital to have baby Raya.

Huili brushed Adia's teeth that morning, and got her dressed to come see mama at the hospital with her new baby sister.

When Huili came, Adia was our only child.  Today, Adia is the best big sister in the world.

When Huili came, Raya was only merely a fetus.  Today, Raya is 5 months old, sleeping through the night, and eating solids.

When Huili came, I was a little jaded about the au pair system.  Today, I have faith that God will send us another au pair from heaven.

Huili was not only our Au Pair of Excellence - she was truly a Godsend.

We will miss you, our dear Huili.  Thank you for being in our lives for a year.  We will miss you dearly!!

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

There's been a lot of media hype about this one woman who calls herself a "Tiger Mom", who, self-proclaimed she raised two perfect children due to her "tiger parenting".

Now, as a Type AAAAA person, I naturally read all about her, and her books...then decided this type of parenting is not really the type of parenting I can do.

Contrary to popular belief, my brother (a doctor) and I (a lawyer) were NOT products of Tiger Parenting. My parents were always around, and very attentive to our homework help needs. And my mom shipped me around to Chinese school, and piano lessons every weekend...BUT, there were no threats of taking away material possession, of being "grounded" if I didn't practice 2 hours a day. (Actually, I wasn't given very many material possessions. And the piano they gave me was VERY much cherished by me, not viewed as an instrument of torture). I did not go to the BEST schools in the nation.

Don't get me wrong; my parents were EXTREMELY strict. Until I was 22 (and a LAW SCHOOL graduate), I had a nightly curfew of "before the sunset". I was NOT allowed to have "sleepovers", or go to school dances, or wear makeup or shave my legs. Though I was raised in America, I was still "Made in Taiwan", and raised by TAIWANESE parents.

In my humble opinion, the main problem with "tiger parenting" is that the whole concept ignores God. "Tiger parenting" seems to come from a position of STRENGTH in parenting...and the Bible clearly instructs that where there is, and ONLY where there is weakness, can God do His glory and work on us. This is especially true with parenting.

My parents were and are extremely humbled. They had flaws. However, they never took any credit about our achievements. In fact, growing up, I always wondered "Are mom and dad proud of me?" There were NO Christmas cards sent saying, "Dear blah blah, Kelly is Superlawyer now, 7 years in a row, at age 35. She also is a Judge on the bench, and perfect mom to 2 daughters. Eric is a SuperDoctor, lecturing in Chicago and published in super duper expert books".

Quite the opposite, actually.

They tried ever so hard to humble us, and ignore our achievements. They never claimed it as a result of their parenting.

And today, as a mother, I must say - I am against "tiger parenting". Sure, I will enroll Adia in piano and I will continue to sing and play piano every day to my daughters. I will also continue to hire au pairs from China so there is Chinese present in our lives every day. And of course, I will feel proud of their achievements and sometimes take credit for it.

But I also know that outside of love, and giving them a safe, secure stable home with a humble yet strong mother - that I can do to really impact how they turn out.

I am the instrument, but God is the player. So I guess I have to be an instrument that can be molded.

It's really great that I am home with little Raya every day. I am watching her sleep right now - perfect little angel...and I am simply overwhelmed by how fast this whole parenting thing is going. Adia is 3.5 years old! And Raya is 2.5 months old. I just can't believe they will be going to school soon.

I started teaching Adia the solfege system when she was 18 months old. Recently at around 3 years old, I started her on piano lessons using the number system. I will say, 1-1-5-5-6-6-5 ... and she will play Do Do So So La La So -- and so on and so forth, and it's Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! She has been in music lessons since she was 9 months old. And she bears this incredible love of music - especially classical. I am really incredibly proud of her, and I am grateful for God's blessings that I can teach this to her...

But I also know, in a few years, when there is school and many other distractions, it may be a bit challenging to get her to practice piano. I am not sure if I will force her to keep at it. My parents never forced it on me. Rather, I had this penchant for it, and my love and talent for piano was there - so I just chose to keep at it. Hopefully, Adia and Raya will be this way too.

Parenting is quite difficult, I must say. There is a difference between birthing children and parenting children. Frankly, pregnancy and labor and delivery were a piece of cake for me. Both times, I worked up until the day I gave birth. Pushing them out was MUCH easier than running a marathon, or even running a mile. But the parenting...

Parenting is the tough part. When Adia has these incredible meltdowns and says insensitive things, I feel like a failure. I start wondering if I should spank her? Give her less things?

She challenges me SO much. Then one time, I just didn't do anything. I just started to tear up. And she looked at me with curiosity and concern...and then I prayed.

Little Adia is so precious. She prays every night with Daddy. Sometimes her prayers are so darling and cute. Instead of praying for the children who don't have food, she prays like this, "I thank God for all the children who don't have food. Please bless them." Though she doesn't mean to, her prayers always add a layer of innocence, and enables me to see the world clearer.

I struggle a LOT with pride. If there is one thing that God can take away from me, it's this excessive pride. And I hope it's gone, or at least a CHUNK of it is gone, before both of them reach their teenage years. :)

Mommymoon at Terranea Resort, Rancho Palos Verdes

Terranea Resort

100 Terranea Way

Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275

When Baby Makes More than Three, To Terranea Immediately Get Thee!

by Kelly Chang Rickert (mama)

Honeymoons: For newlyweds.

Babymoons: For couples expecting children.

Mommymoons. For moms. ALONE.

mommymoon [mom-mee-moon]

–noun:

1. A vacation taken by a mother expecting her second or any subsequent child;

2. A brief period characterized by uninterrupted tranquility, bliss, and/or pampering;

3. A much-needed and well-deserved escape from the chaos and responsibilities of home or work (or both), for a pregnant woman who is already caring for one or more kids.

Why is this necessary?

Sanity.

Seriously, ever since I became a mother, I have been away a total of only 5 nights away from my daughter and husband. And this is all due to work - court appearances in SF, out-of-town board meetings for the ACFLS, etc. They were all "excuse-able". They were not fun. I had to WORK. (thus, no guilt).

Sure, I've heard of the myth of "girls' weekends", "girls getaways", but honestly, if I ever went away with girlfriends, or my sister-in-law, just for a day to myself, I would never get over the guilt. As a working mother (divorce attorney), I am already away during work hours for most of the workweek, such that when the weekend comes, I have absolutely NO desire to be anywhere but attached to my baby.

This, of course, means, that between handling clients all week and managing a law office, and then being non-stop mama all weekend, I basically have no downtime.

With baby #2 due in about 8 weeks (and a NASTY divorce trial set 4 months after baby #2 arrives), I thought it was time that I finally carved aside some time to myself so I can finally take the lingering bubble bath I've longed for, for over 4 years.

So, I took my bubble bath, and 2 books, and spent one glorious night, and 1.5 days alone before my handsome husband and adorable 3-year-old joined me for the weekend.

And, I didn't work.

I just relaxed.

California moms, Terranea Resort is the BEST place in the world for a mommymoon. Here are reasons why:

1. ESCAPE, BUT BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO HOME FOR EMERGENCIES. First and foremost, a mommymoon must embody escape. This is your chance to NOT take calls, NOT answer emails, NOT grocery shop, NOT fold laundry, NOT cook, NOT play mama, wife, boss, manager, lawyer, whatever! ESCAPE AND DO NOTHING. And if you are neurotic like me, and fear emergencies - it is close enough that the main players in your life can still reach you. Terranea is only 45 minutes drive away, so I was close enough to be reached.

2. BE WITH WHAT GOD CREATED, AND STILL PAMPER YOURSELF ROTTEN. Nature is really good for your soul. Ocean, trees, rocks, mountains, beach. That's why people go camping. However, being 8 months pregnant, "roughing it" is somewhat masochistic. Enter Terranea - a serene place of absolute beauty. Seriously. Just look at the photos from: 1) right outside my suite, 2) a short walk down, and 3) lobby.

BEAUTY surrounds this place, ladies. Yes, unbelievable. Even the Garden of Eden had a evil serpent. I can absolutely, without reservations, tell you that Terranea is unflawed. Ever since they opened their doors in 2009, we have made Terranea Resort an annual destination (we are spoiled rotten). This is the THIRD time, and I have yet to find a minor imperfection in the amazing architecture and nature of this place.

Oh, and their spa? To die for. I am not ashamed to admit - I am a spa junkie. That's right, I am do my best work - litigation planning - when getting a rubdown. I also have discovered long ago that I simply cannot sleep or digest my food to nourish my 96-pound pre-pregnancy body without getting a massage every month. Others exercise, I get massaged.

Yes, they are very expensive. But they happened to be running an Autumn Special. For $150 (plus 20% added gratuity for a total of $180), you get a 50-minute massage or facial AND a mini-treatment: Moroccan hair treatment; eyebrow wax; or hand and foot treatment. I went crazy and had TWO. Even if they weren't running a special though, it is still worth it to pay $185 ($222 total) for a 60 minute pre-natal massage.

Bottom line: I have frequented the best spas in the world, and with that experience, I STILL say Terranea is the best. The therapists are well-trained in pre-natal massage (Advice: NEVER go to an inexperienced parlor for a prenatal rub - it will hurt you, AND the baby.) And they have a RELAXATION ROOM on the second floor smack dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, complete with a fireplace.

3. TOP-NOTCH SERVICE. No kidding. From valet to housekeeping to restaurants and front desk - every single person there is ready to serve you. Example: I am clearly 32 weeks pregnant. I check in. I get spa'ed. I order room service. Knock, knock! Complimentary fruits and crackers for you! Example: I am clearly 32 weeks pregnant. At check-in, my favorite front desk person whom shall remain anonymous, because I don't want anyone else getting special treatment (but his initials are J.C.) gives me a complimentary upgrade to an ocean view suite so I can have more space while I am rapidly expanding.

<--------Kelly 32 weeks pregnant

Example: Housekeeping brings extra water (no charge), toothpaste, matches for my Diptyque candle within 5 minutes of calling. Example: Free shoe shine - just leave bag outside. ALL the amenities of a 5-star hotel, minus the snootiness. Everyone here is just happy from inside out and willing to serve you. Which is the WHOLE point of a mommymoon - because as a mom, you are used to serving everyone else.

4. DEFINITELY AFFORDABLE IF YOU ARE ATUNE TO DEALS; STILL CHEAPER THAN OTHER MOMMYMOON/BABYMOONS. I am the researching type. I spent several hours browing the net for mommymoon/babymoons. Basically, if you are looking to be pampered with a package that includes a retreat in a nice hotel, complete with spa treatments, and other special niceties, such as gift baskets, yoga classes, and ambiance, you are looking to pay at least $1500 for 3 nights, including flights, etc. I noticed that most mommymoons/babymoons are in Northern California. For example, there's the Barefoot and Pregnant Spa, located near San Jose and Napa. They advertise packages between $900 - $2800. This does not include the airfare for a flight up there. There is also Miraval in Tuscon, Arizona, which is an all-inclusive resort. So, for all meals paid, complete with all classes, housing, their rates range from $655 - $1090 a night. Terranea Resort ranges from $300 - $1250 a night, depending on room size, room view, etc. They frequently offer return guests deals. I had a Buy 2 nights, get 1 night deal - so the room was approximately $299 (plus $25 resort fee plus $30 valet per night). But I was upgraded to a suite, which is approximately $750 a night. The entire weekend, filled with fine dining, in-room spoiling, spa'ing, cost less than $2000. And I didn't have to pay for a flight. It is expensive, but worth it.

If you are interested in going, you may contact me for a deal code for a repeat customer. I would gladly call you my guest just to prove to you how amazing this place is.

5. PERFECT AMOUNT OF CHOICES SO YOU ARE NOT OVERWHELMED. There are a bazillion things to do at Miraval. I actually got stressed looking at their menu of activities. At Terranea, there isn't too much to do. There is a beautiful trail along the ocean where you can walk. There is a spa. which includes a salon, cafe, and shop. There are three restaurants: Mar'Sel; Catalina Kitchen and Nelsons. There is a Sea Beans cafe/coffeeshop. There is golf. There are tons of firepits where you can make S'Mores. There are 3 pools: main, spa, and adult. There's golf. And that's it, folks. This is a place where you can truly relax, instead of trying to experience all there is. You know what I did all weekend besides spa treatments? I ordered room service, and I read 2 excellent books: Heaven is for Real and The Help. This is incredible. The last 2 books I read were "Llama Llama misses Mama" and "Contempt Citations in Family Court". Mamas, you need to relax on a mommymoon, so you can recharge. It's not about being stimulated, it's about being situated.

Ahhhh, how I absolutely love Terranea. If I had a million dollars, I would find someone else who had a million dollars, and we could buy and share a 3-bedroom villa there. It is the perfect place for a busy mother trying to escape noise in her life. It is also a perfect place for a family get-together. Or a babymoon. It is, in one word, perfect. We will continue to go, every year.

But moms, if you are in your third trimester, and you can afford it, I highly recommend going to Terranea to recharge for a weekend. Your baby and you deserve it.

TERRANEA LOVE OVER THE YEARS

2009

2010

2011

Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?


By AMY CHUA




A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

.• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.


First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

—Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.

Poor Adia's Second Molars

Adia has never complained about teething pain. Her face could be covered in rash (due to the buckets of drool running down her chin); low-grade fever, diarrhea - she would still be running around singing "Jesus Loves Me" and outeating her mama.

Then she got her second molars at 21 months.

As I write this, the Lakers just won the championship, and Scott and I are resting after a long day of a teething, very feverish baby with little appetite. In fact, all she ate today of substance was a McDonalds ice cream cone. No joke - Adia rejected pasta, AND French fries today!

She also has a bit of a cold. Tylenol and Orajel are our best friends right now.

I have attached the above teething chart for you purpose-driven mamas out there. Second molars are the worst. Once this is over, it should be easy until their teenage years.

This Little Chap Who Follows Me

The Little Chap Who Follows Me!
Author: Unknown

A careful man I want to be;
A little fellow follows me.
I do not dare to go astray
For fear he'll go the self same way.

I cannot once escape his eyes,
Whate'er he sees me do, he tries.
Like me he says he's going to be;
The little chap who follows me.

He thinks that I'm so very fine,
Believes in every word of mine.
The base in me he must not see;
The little chap who follows me.

I must remember as I go
Through summer's sun and winter's snow,
I'm building for the years to be;
The little chap who follows me.

Do Re Mi

Adia knows her Do, Re, Mi's. She is 17 months old.

If you are a parent who is interested in music education, I would specifically recommend researching the "solfege" system and enrolling immediately in a music school which incorporates this type of education.

I learned the piano when I was 3 years old. I recall the sticker books that my piano teacher used to bribe us. Every correctly played note or song would earn me a sticker. At that time, I was more interested in filling up my sticker book, but in my teen years, as I went to church, I began recognizing that I had a unique skill - sight-reading, which came as a direct result of my early years in solfege education.

What is solfege?

Solfege is an important part of learning to read music and is a technique used to teach sight-singing or sight reading.

Each note in solfege is sung to a different syllable do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti, and each note has a corresponding hand sign (as seen in photos).

To teach your child solfege do the following: (I prefer setting Do to Middle C on the piano - note you can set "do" on other notes, but for ease, Do on Middle C is preferred).

1. Sing DO to the first pitch of any major scale (i.e. if you choose the major C scale, C would be your first note).

2. Now, sing and sign do with your hand (as seen in photo below).

3. Have your child sing and sign do. If needed, help mold your child's hand into the do shape until he or she can sign do his or herself.

4. Continue to teach your child every solfege sign and syllable.

5. Note: Solfege is a great way to introduce music to your baby!

Solfege Pronunciation:

Do = Doh (For the C scale you will sing C pitch)

Re = Ray (For the C scale you will sing D pitch)

Mi = Mee (For the C scale you will sing E pitch)

Fa = Fah (For the C scale your will sing F pitch)

So = Soh (For the C scale you will sing G pitch)

La = Lah (For the C scale you will sing A pitch)

Ti = Tee (For the C scale you will sing B pitch)

Do!

It was done in Sound of Music.

Adia already knows approximately 20 songs, in entirety.

On a related note, Adia has been exposed to Chinese and English simultaneously since birth. I believe that the intonations of the two different languages is also directly linked to her music ability. Music is imitation by ear. To be tone-deaf means you cannot hear the note and imitate it...this results in off-tune singing. On American Idol, this is referred to as "pitchy - ness". If you sing too "high" for the note, you are "sharp." If it's too low, you are "flat."

I am fascinated by music education and it is my hope that one day, I will have the resources to bring it back to our public and private schools.

DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO!!!!

Working Moms - This is for you

To my friends who are mothers who work professionally full time (or more than full time), and often must leave their children:
I
have told this story before many times in various ways on various comment sections on various working mothers' blogs, so I apologize if you have heard this before, but it I think it bears repeating.
When
I was a poor college student putting myself through school, one of my three jobs was being a part-time nanny, for several years, for a busy professional couple with two little girls. The girls' mother, who loved her children deeply, was a professional writer and small business owner. She sometimes worked from home in her office while I watched the kids, but sometimes her business meant she had to leave, for hours, or for whole days at a time.
When the girls' mother had to leave
for work, sometimes, they would cry. They would throw their arms around her and beg her not to leave. As they got older, and could articulate their feelings, they would say things like, "Don't leave me Mommy! You leave too much! I miss you when you're gone."
I could see the
guilt and longing in their mother's eyes, on those days, as I pulled her tearful, clinging children away, and she walked out the door to the sounds of their sobs. Not yet having a child of my own, I did not then understand her pain as fully as I do now, but so I could sense that these moments weighed on her — that echoes of her daughters' cries would linger somewhere in a corner of her mind all day.
Five or
ten minutes after she left, the kids would recover completely, and start laughing and playing with me just as they did on the days when their mother was in the next room.
Sometimes, the older girl would get out a box and pretend to type on it as if it were a computer.
"I'm a Mommy. I'm working," she would say. "I'm a writer writing things."
And that little girl would sound so proud.
Your
children miss you when you cannot be with them. Of course they do. And they miss their Dad when he isn't around (or their other Mom, or their Grandma). And when they're home alone with you, I bet they miss their favorite babysitters and teachers, too. All kids would prefer to have all of their favorite people available 24 hours a day, to be summoned or dismissed at childish whim.
But
they love you, the whole of you, more than anything, and even at an early age, they understand that your career — your drive to create things of value with your skills and your mind, not just at home, but out in the wider world — is part of who you are.
And because
they know that about you, they also know that one day they can also be great parents AND great workers. They are the girls who will play games of "Office" alongside their games of "House." They are the boys who will see no problem with Daddies who push strollers or Mommies who get invited to speak at conferences.
And they will be women and men
who, one day, I hope, will come to understand how you felt (how I've sometimes felt, too) about having to walk out the door on those certain hard days, as your children cried. Who will realize that even on those days you walked away, you were doing it, as you did everything, for them — to support them, to build a better life for them, to change the world, for them.
And I do not think they will hold those times against you.

God is Faithful

God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. - 1 Corinthians 1:9

"Look, Adia, it's a rainbow!!!!"

Adia squeals in delight, "OHHH!"

According to Wikipedia, a rainbow is "an optical and meteorological phenomenon that causes a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the Sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the Earth's atmosphere. They take the form of a multicoloured arc, with red on the outer part of the arch and violet on the inner section of the arch."

To a child, that rainbow is pure magic. A beautiful arrangement of every color they know.

To me, that rainbow is a reminder that our Lord God is faithful. In Noah's days, God sent a rainbow as His divine promise that He will never destroy the earth again with a flood.

God keeps His promises. And if we call on Him, He will deliver.

Last year, I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy. Our precious Adia was about 6 months old when I found out I was pregnant again. Although I felt much sicker this time than the first time (severe morning sickness), and I was only 85 pounds because I was still breastfeeding, I felt confident God would deliver and it was a good sign of a healthy baby. We were ecstatic!

However, at about 11 weeks, the ultrasound revealed a dead fetus. This was traumatic enough - but what sent me over the edge was the diagnosis of "partial molar pregnancy". (PMP)

A PMP, as I experienced, was weird cancer-like cells growing out of my placenta. The cells grew outrageously - which explained my severe morning sickness - and crushed out the growing fetus. The fetus itself was deformed - an accident of nature, and would never have survived anyway.

The diagnosis sent me through two surgeries (one in June 2009, one in September 2009). When the surgeries didn't help my HCG drop, I had a very close bout with chemotherapy in order to destroy the wicked cells. I was monitored weekly by intrusive blood tests. (still am, actually - though they are now monthly).

My marriage underwent severe stress. I actually prepared divorce papers, In Re Marriage of Rickert, Kelly and Scott. I almost became a client of my own practice.

During this time, the worst part of it was the fear that I may not be there for Adia. After losing the second baby, I was paralyzed by fear of loss. I still recall the day I returned from my surgery. I held Adia for hours, letting her sleep on me, while I prayed to God to protect her - to protect us.

I think the worst effect of tragedy is fear. Whereas I felt so safe and untouchable before, now, it appeared that my health would conquer me.

Guess what? IT DIDN'T. I did not allow myself to sink into fear. In fact, I continued being the best mother ever (I even continued to breastfeed until the second surgery!), and spent lots of family time with Scott and Adia. Actually, I think the whole experience drove me insane, and we took about 10 vacations last year so I could feel "alive" and conquering the MOLE.

But you know, in the end, the one thing that gave me strength (in addition to the love of my husband and child, and my parents and friends), is my relationship with God.

I feel humbled and reassured when I read His word. I acknowledge that He is in control - not me, not my doctor - not even Adia! (Even though anyone can tell you from simple observation she runs my life!!)

I meditated on that every day. I trust that as He watches the sparrow and cares for its needs, He will not forget me, His child.

It's not something I can explain. I am a lawyer - trust me, I can explain my butt off on any topic.

But FAITH - you can't explain that. It's just delight in the Lord. And it's receipt of the "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).

Strange as it may seem, during challenging times, faith is screaming the loudest.

I am so happy to report that it's 2010, and my blood tests have been clear. I do not yet have the "green light" on conception, but I am healed.

And my marriage is intact.

2nd Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

God reminds us everyday of his faithfulness. Are you going through physical ailments? Is your marriage rocky? Are you financially stressed?

Whatever fear holds you victim, whatever challenge you find insurmountable - give it to Him.

Remember, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26.

New Year's Resolution: Focus on Husband

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1











If you are anything like me, your marriage suffered (A LOT) the entire first year of your baby's life.
There are too many reasons for this, but this post focuses on the remedy. For me, it's truly appreciating my husband and (here is the tough part)....showing it.
The Bible is my GPS. As a divorce lawyer and new mother, I have my own ideas of what is best for my family.
Following through on my ideas is why I failed this year.
I've been to many seminars, and I am a good student. I understand that the priorities should be: 1) my relationship with God; 2) my marriage to Scott and 3) little Adia; 4) household duties; and 5) work.
However, I can't find a Bible verse that says I need to put marriage before children!
In all my research, I concluded that the reason you cannot put children before marriage is because in order to properly raise children (fulfill all needs; instill values/discpline; implant and cultivate skills for independence), you NEED the marriage.
Simply put, a single parent (or two parents without common Christian-oriented principles)cannot do what a God-ordained married couple can do with their children.
Of course, some circumstances in life are beyond our control. But if you have a God-loving spouse, you will find a way to cherish and show him you cherish him.
Here are my ways to showing my respect to Scott:
1. REACH A DECISION TOGETHER. I have a tendency to immediately do what I think is best for Adia, i.e. hiring a nanny/au pair; Chinese lessons; piano lessons; NO formula; whether we go to a party when Adia is sick or not. Because I am decisive and aggressive (a carryover from my professional life), and Scott is naturally more willing to weigh both sides and negotiate (a carryover from his professional life), I made most final decisions.
I used to not trust Scott to make decisions. I thought he would always make the wrong decisions. This resulted in bitterness, feeling under- and unappreciated, and robbed Scott of his role as the leader of our household.
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord," Ephesians 5:22.
No, I am not Scott's slave. These days, I aim to give ideas, and have him have the final say.
2. IDENTIFY HIS TOP FIVE NEEDS AND AIM TO FULFILL THREE OF THEM. Men are different than women. I firmly believe that the first year after birth - there is inevitable failure on the wife to provide needs for the husband. It happened to me. I consulted Proverbs 31. Did she fulfill her husband's physical needs? Not sure. The Bible doesn't specifically identify what are reasonable needs of men. In addition, Scott's needs are individual. Finally, if you just gave birth, you need to forgive yourself. It is a physically demanding task.
These days, I try to decipher what he needs from past arguments and provide. I am successful about 37% of the time, but this is about 37% of the time better than last year.
3. WRITE BLOGS TO BETTER MYSELF. Learning to be a better mother and wife is a process.